Thump. Thump. Thump: The sound of your heart bumping against your chest as you wait on your velvet chaise lounge for date night to start. “Harlem Nocturne” slinks from Spotify. Sandalwood candles line the mantel. You bathed with a honey and ylang ylang shower gel from Lush. Your robe is silk and casually draped open. You’ve left no sexy stone unturned. Tonight will be the night. You researched aphrodisiacs and your partner consented to trying them.
Getting your swerve on is never (supposedly) better than when aphrodisiacs are at play. An aphrodisiac is a food, drink, or drug that stimulates sexual desire. Here are time-honored libido enhancers.
Chile pepper Mmmm and yes. Put that long, thick chili pepper in your mouth. Give it a lick and a nibble. Chile peppers are full of capsaicin, which encourages the body to release endorphins, the brain’s feel-good chemicals. Chile peppers will also cause your heart rate to increase, which literally gets the blood flowing. There ain’t any promises of engorged meat-flaps and pocket rockets, but chile peppers sure as heck can’t hurt in the department of Heat Things Up.
A warning: Remember that time you cut a jalapeño and then rubbed your eye? Keep that in mind when inserting peppers or rubbing spicy tongues on sensitive bits.
A clean bathroomYou found a one-night bae at the Ranch. You go back to their place. You find the powder room to freshen up.
::queue Psycho theme song::
The bathroom is grime central. Two out of three lightbulbs are dark. A gray fuzz grows on the toilet. There’s a pyramid of PBR cans in the sink. One stained, holey towel crunches under foot. Something skitters from the faucet into the sink drain.
You feel like this is where people catch the herp. In the very least, crabs. You get the hell outta one-night bae’s apartment, go back to the Ranch, and find a dapper lover with a clean bathroom, the kind where you can have sex with those suction cups in the shower.
OystersRomeo, Romeo, what for is that waft? Tis the mild, fresh smell of oysters, the Emperor of Sex Foods. Romeo wants to cram as many of those, um, lady-shaped lovelies in his mouth as possible.
Oysters have been an aphrodisiac since the 2nd century. Famed lover Casanova was said to breakfast on 50 oysters every day. Besides being a high-protein food that will build energy for bumpin’ fuzzies, oysters are filled with zinc, which can crank up testosterone production and higher testosterone has long been associated wither a higher sex drive. Researchers have also proved that oysters are chock fulla rare amino acids that trigger sexual hormones.
Cooking skillsYou wooed a hottie into a round of spank and tickle. You’re back at their place. You’re both starving after the good ol’ sweat and pound. You need sustenance. Hottie says, “I’ll make us something!” Fifteen minutes later, the fire department is there. Hottie somehow turned ramen into a house fire.
Flash to the future, one of only you ever making dinner after a long day’s work – elsewise you’d eventually suffer a fiery death. You thank the firefighters for saving your life and leave. Ain’t no way you’re gonna Round 2 boink someone you can’t event trust with making boxed and frozen food.
Red wineIs it wine-o-clock? ::peers at watch:: Damn right it is.
If you don’t consider wine a superfood, you should. It has been credited with helping stave off colds, cancer, and heart disease. Not any old wine will impact your trim diddlin’. It’s gotta be red.
The earthy, woody musk of red wine is said to increase female sexual appetite. Reds also contain resveratrol, an antioxidant the increases blood flow. Increased blood circulation in women can trigger lubrication. The extra blood flow is gonna engorge you. Booyah.
Being dependableYou are on your third date with the lover who made you moan your brains out against a tree in Buckley Park. Totally inappropriate, for sure, but oh my gawd, you didn’t know you could get that hot in the middle of winter. Unfortunately, the SOB was late for your date. Again. And now that your El Moro dinner is over, lover-pants totally forgot their wallet and can’t go splitsies. You pick up the tab. Again.
You, rightly, decide you are better than this bullshit.
... you wink at the bartender who’s been making French eyes at you all night. Anyone who has to deal with a cash drawer will be more reliable than Sir-Skip-The-Bill.
Birds Nest SoupDon’t start climbing trees and collecting yet. For birds nest soup to be an aphrodisiac, it has to be made from the home of a Southeast Asian, cave-dwelling swift. In fact, it ain’t even twigs that are gonna get you going, it’s petrified bird spit.
This certain swift’s nest is made entirely of its own spit – which spools out in a noodle form and dries together in chunks. It takes 35 days for the swift to make what you are going to scarf down in two minutes. The soup can take on any flavor but will have a rubbery texture. One bowl will set you back at least 40 bucks. The spit you’ll eat is a protein high in calcium and potassium. Potassium helps to maintain heart health and that heart is gonna help keep them lady and boy parts going.
BrainsNot to eat, ya weirdo, but to admire. You knew this moment would come. You are sitting at the Smiley Café and you have nothing to say to the babe across from you. The sex is phenomenal but there’s not much behind those eyes. You try anyway.
A: “Read anything interesting lately?”
B: “I like turtles.”
A: “Um. Ok.”
This is not where you want to be. You don’t want a looker with no smarts. That works for a fling but not the longterm. Your pushing-pal doesn’t have to be a physicist or anything, but you should share interests. If your gray matter ain’t matching, it’s not gonna be long before the wood won’t work.
Remember: The sexiest part about someone is their confidence. Get your swag on and if you don’t have swag, fake it till you make it. Be honest. Be genuine. The most reliable pick-up line is, “Hello.” When you do find a friend to make the two-backed-beast with, double check with your doc about the safety of any meds or foods you consume to enhance your libido.
— Patty TempletonDGO Staff Writer