Being a diner waitress was great. You heard helltons of stories and made swell money. I worked at Denny’s, on and off, for about six years and though it was fun, it wasn’t all greenbacks and good coffee. Here’s a few pet peeves from those days.
1. Your kidsYour cooing meat-bundle doesn’t know any better than to mash food in its mouth and throw crap on the ground. You do. Tip hardcore for extra mess or clean it up yourself.
2. Oh wait, it ain’t your kid making the messDon’t wad up a pancake and put it in your coffee cup. I, or the dishwasher, will kill you. Ditto this for sugar packets, napkins, straw wrappers, etc. Also, don’t create a teetering tower of filth. If you stack plates, do it in a structurally sound way that won’t end in Moons Over My Hammy grease all over my boobs.
3. Hey creeper, stop being a creeperDon’t overuse my name. Why are you saying it at the beginning and end of a sentence? “Patty, I will have the Grand Slam, Patty.” And, if you reach for my nametag because you think it is a suave way to “accidentally” poke my boob, I will destroy you.
4. Speaking of touching – do not touch me or my accoutrementsUnless you are Henry Rollins, Elvira, or Keanu Reeves, I swear to god if you touch my server tray I will bludgeon you with a goddamn salt shaker. Ditto that for touching me.
5. Do not beckon me, you douchetrollI know you are there. I am trying to grab orders, input orders, fill drinks, make salads, oh, hey, look at that! I get to make three milkshakes plus deliver two tables’ worth of food. I will get to you. Don’t tap or drum on the table, wave like you are signaling a helicopter from a deserted island, or snap your fingers at me.
6. This is Denny’s, order off the dang menu If you want to order the thing off the menu three menus ago that we don’t have the ingredients to make anymore, well, sorry.
7. In fact, be ready to orderDude, don’t tell me you’re ready to order and then make my ass stand still for five minutes. Doesn’t seem like a long time to you, but it’s an eternity plus bad tips for me.
8. Shut off the sound on your electronics, jerkfaceDon’t be the selfish nob who blasts music or video games from your phone. Ditto that for your kids. Use headphones or mute it. It ain’t your damn living room, rudehole.
9. Don’t tip like a monsterDon’t tip with anything besides money, unless that Amazon gift card actually has a grand on it. Religious pamphlets? Dick move. Check for less than the gas money to get me to the bank? Suck it. Tipping less than 15 percent? You blow monkey nuts. Also, the percentage rule ain’t always right. Are you seriously gonna tip me two bucks but you took up my table for all three hours of the dinner rush? Hey, thanks.
10. Don’t be an amateurDon’t be the drunk jackass who starts a vomit-chain-reaction in the diner.
11. Do not have sex hereDo not screw in the dish room. Don’t. I don’t want to clean up ass sweat and broken glass. Ditto that for sexing anywhere else in the restaurant. Save it for your car, lovebirds.
Patty TempletonDGO Staff Writer