What’s orange and dense and green all over? Golden Goat, the sativa strain we’re reviewing this week, which comes to us courtesy of Good Earth Meds in Pagosa Springs.
I’ve had this strain in my hot little pocket for the last couple of weeks, but I wanted to save it until I could think of a way to toss in a G.O.A.T. reference. That clever joke never did come to fruition, so I’ll just tell you that when I see the name, all I can think of is Golden G.O.A.T., or Golden Greatest of All Time. Luckily it lives up to that title, or this strain review would be a real disappointment.
Rumor has it that Golden Goat’s origins came about purely by mistake. According to legend, this strain originated in Topeka, Kansas (weird, right), after a Hawaiian-Romulan hybrid accidentally pollinated the Freak Island Sweet Skunk mother plant. Naughty, naughty. From that illicit affair came Golden Goat, which was supposedly named after the sticky soda syrup smell emitted by Golden Goat Recycling machines in the middle of summer.
I guess the idea is that Golden Goat smells a bit syrupy and sweet, so there’s a parallel with the recycling machines. I don’t really get it – Golden Goat smells nothing like soda syrup to me – but I also wasn’t the one who was allowed to dub this strain with its moniker, either.
The strain smells more to me like a mixture of tangy, sweet fruit extracts, kind of like grenadine syrup and lemon extract collided. There are some minty notes in there, which helped temper it and keep it from being too sweet.
Interestingly enough, the plant tastes nothing like it smells. There are no sour cherry notes or even minty aftertastes. Rather, the smoke it emits is very earthy, and tastes a lot like damp earth smells. I was actually kind of relieved to find this out, because I bought a disposable vape at a dispensary in Fort Morgan recently, and unbeknownst to me, it was made to taste like peach. Have you ever smoked peach weed? That shit scarred me for life.
The effects of this strain were even more surprising than the taste. After about four hits, it proved to be a very racy sativa, the kind that can cause anxiety or paranoia if you aren’t careful. (I was careful.) It was a euphoric racy, so I was stoked to be doing... things... but I wasn’t prepared for the swift kick in the ass it gave me. I was ready to go, man. It was perfect for hanging out with a friend and watching the 416 Fire from an area entirely too close for comfort. I was happy, a little scattered, and felt like one of those little wind-up toys, chattering teeth and all. I also had plenty of theories on how to put out the fire. All of them were nonsense.
It was a couple of hours before the mellow come-down took over and I passed out stone cold on the couch. If you are more of a mellow stoner, this is not your jam. Not unless you want to clean the kitchen, forget you’re cleaning the kitchen, and then clean the kitchen again. But don’t you worry; those of us who like those amped up sativas are more than happy to take your share of the Golden Greatest of All Time.