Hi there, fellow insomniacs. Do you suffer from sleep-related issues? Do you find yourself waking up time and time again with your brain spinning at a hundred miles an hour? Yeah, me too, and it effing blows.
But it doesn’t have to! It can blow much less with this handy little trick I’m about to tell you about. (But only if you’re not opposed to getting blazed, which like, I’m assuming is not a problem considering what you’re reading.
Anyway! As you may have gathered by the headline above, Champagne Kush is kind of a magic wand for sleep. How do I know this? Well, I found it out recently while reviewing said strain for The Green House in Durango. I’d never smoked Champagne Kush before, but I was certainly down to try it, especially with a name THAT fancy.
This strain is one of The Green House’s premium strains, so it’s a little more expensive than your average e’ryday strain – about $20 a gram – but it’s pretty darn worth it, especially if you need to get some rest. But we’ll get to that. Before we do, let’s talk science shop.
So, if you’re not familiar with Champagne Kush, this strain is a hybrid that’s supposed to smell like – and taste like – champagne. It’s known for knocking that anxiety riiiiight outcha body and making you feel like you have a weighted blanket for arms. It can also help relieve social anxiety and make you more talkative, which is another positive for me because, well, I hate interacting and write under a pen name for a reason. I’m basically a walking basketcase and the epitome of awkward. /shrug
Anyway, all of those things sounded really great to me, and so did getting high, so I lit this strain right up as soon as I got home from the dispensary. Before I did, though, I stuck my nose in the little canister and sniffed. To be honest, the tiny, light green, compact nugs in my container o’ weed didn’t really smell like champagne to me, but I was cool with that. I don’t really want my weed to smell like the stuff that caused my last really shitty hangover anyway.
And, while they didn’t smell like champagne, they also didn’t taste like champagne, but they did taste delicious – more like orange blossoms than anything. I found myself super freaking high about halfway through – so high, in fact, that I got tunnel vision about what I was going to eat. All I could think about was food. Food, food, food. And I’d just eaten, so there was no logical reason I should have been that hungry.
Once I’d determined that I wanted to eat EVERYTHING EVER, I took a long, winding trip toward the kitchen. I say long and winding because I was distracted as hell and had to stop to play with the cat and move a broom from one place to the other (for no reason) before I could get there. In other words, do not smoke this if you’re trying to be productive.
Also don’t smoke this if you’re tryna be skinny, cause once I finally made my dawdling ass way to the kitchen I ate everything. And I do mean everything. I ate a couple of apples, some leftovers, and an entire freaking package of knockoff Thin Mints. I know this because I woke up with the discarded remnants of my kitchen foray on the floor next to my bed. The shame is real deep.
(Side note: Why are apples the PERFECT stoned food? They’re so delicious and juicy. Someone should market those tree treasures toward stoners. There would be a national shortage.)
And, after I ate everything in the kitchen, I passed the actual fahk out for a solid 7 hours. I didn’t stir. I didn’t move. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night to read Reddit. I just slept.
As ridiculous as that may sound, just straight up sleeping is an accomplishment for me. There are not many nights I can think of in recent history where I fell asleep without trouble and then stayed asleep for more than a couple of hours. But somehow, it happened. Champagne Kush turned my brain off after it forced me to consume 8,000 calories worth of cookies.
Honestly, it was worth it – even if it meant waking up to an empty box of cookies laying next to me. If the worst thing I have to do is smoke a bowl of Champagne Kush and consume a ton of sugar to get some sleep, I’ll do it.
And you should do it too, sleepyheads. If you struggle with insomnia, you know how hard it is to get relief. Pharmaceuticals leave you feeling sluggish and out of it the next day, and over the counter remedies rarely work. This stuff works, you guys. So get some, hide the cookies from yourself, and get some rest. You’ll be better off for it.