Have you ever smoked a bowl with a friend and looked over at them and noticed that they had that look on their face, the one where it’s like, “I’m stooooooooooooned,” and their entire face seems to be melting? And then you feel your own face melt, probably in part because seeing their melting face set you off? Yeah, that happened to us this week, and surprisingly, it was because of a sativa. Cheese Train Haze, to be exact.
We procured this stinky cheese man strain from The Green House in Pagosa Springs for this review, and were warned prior about nothing but the stench. And yes, there was indeed a stench when I popped open the lid on this bad boy. This strain, which is misleadingly pretty with light green frosty nugs, smells like moldy cheese or (gross) musty feet. It tastes like it smells, by the way. But, as we all know, the mustier or skunkier the bud, the more interesting shit’s going to get. (We don’t know that. I clearly just made that up to segue into the next graf.)
And, things did get super freaking interesting. If there was ever a time we’ve all sat around and ticked the boxes of every single stoner trope, it was the day we smoked Cheese Train Haze. Things started off pretty chill – a couple of bowls in and we put the pipe down – but they didn’t stay chill. This bud is a creeper if there ever was one. One minute we were high but chill, and the next minute were in giggle bitch territory with no warning. Everything was funny – EVERYTHING – and no one could function to take care of simple tasks.
Need evidence? Here goes. One of our friends – the one who always manages to become a less-functioning Hyde from “That ’70s Show” – kept going off on some weird ass mumbling tangents. She was definitely trying to say something, but it was clear the words wouldn’t form, so she just kept trailing off onto words that didn’t exactly fit together well, which in turn made the rest of us laugh hysterically. A few minutes later, we were all amused watching her attempt to comment on a Facebook post and failing epically. No idea what she was trying to comment on, by the way. It’s probably best that her fingers wouldn’t work because who knows where that comment would have gone. Probably no where good.
The rest of us weren’t quite as brain-mouth-mush high as her, but we were certainly high as hell anyway. First, someone tried to make a “Finding Nemo” joke and couldn’t remember the words, “Shark bait, ooh ahh ahh!” Then someone else was hating on my Tootsie Rolls, which apparently tasted fake to them. They weren’t, though. They were real Tootsie Rolls! Someone else had a fight with a thorn in their hair, which I guess looked like a bug? That’s what they said anyway. And at one point, it sounded to me like the birds in the trees were part of the Drake song playing on an outdoor speaker, so I kept looking around trying to figure out if Drake sampled freaking birds for his song (I wouldn’t put it past him) or if there were actual birds chirping. I wasn’t the only one who heard it, by the way. The person who’d been mumbling nonsense also heard it, and I know this because she snapped to attention, her mouth suddenly cooperating, and yelled, “That bird is effing loud! Shut the hell up, sir!” That, of course, set me off into another bout of laughter because who calls a bird “sir?” So proper!
Anyway, yeah. We’re all idiots and might as well have been reenacting a scene from “Dude, Where’s My Car” or something. And theeeeeeeeen?
Let this serve as a lesson to you. Smoke some Cheese Train Haze because it’s frigging fun, but don’t do it on a day you need to be productive because you simply cannot be productive with this sativa. And don’t listen to Drake or try to Facebook after you’ve smoked it, either, cause hearing birds on a Champagne Papi track is too trippy for words.