Have you ever felt super human, like you could use your mind to toss giant wooden barrels at annoying 8-bit humans who are trying to steal the princess back that you rightfully stole? If your answer is no, then you obviously have not smoked any Dankey Kong, the indica hybrid strain we’re reviewing this week for The Green House Durango. And if you have not smoked Dankey Kong, well, I feel sorry for you. You don’t know what you’re missing.
But don’t worry — I’m going to tell you what you’re missing so you feel that dreaded FOMO in your weed-ocampus. (Yes, I’m writing this while stoned. It’s been a long week.) So, when I went by The Green House to pick up this week’s strain, the folks behind the counter were torn between recommending a different strain or Dankey Kong. I’d like both, they said, but ultimately Dankey Kong won for reasons I couldn’t tell you. It just did.
And I, my friends, am very lucky it did, because I got to smoke it and learn of its mystical, leg-tingling, mind-barrel-throwing powers.
I smoked a bowl of Dankey Kong, which is a cross between Bio-Diesel and Kong, while alone on the road for work. The long green buds smelled and tasted a little like green Fruit Loops, which was a surprising but welcome change of pace. I kind of expected that I’d need to smoke more than one bowl to feel high, especially given how inoffensive the strain smelled and tasted, but I definitely did not. One bowl was plenty.
And by that I choked like I’d been sitting in the middle of a campfire. I, like everyone else in the country, have been dealing with some weird plague, and while I’m on the tail end of it, I still have a cough. So one hit of this stuff and it sounded like I had just taken a huge bong hit. It was attractive. Trust me.
Oh, bu it didn’t just make me choke. It also made my legs turn into wobbly rubber snakes — snakes that refused to support my frame so I could get up and get more snacks. That feeling quickly creeped in and made my arms become uncooperative noodles. I was stuck. No snacks. I couldn’t move.
But I wasn’t rendered completely useless, oddly enough. Usually when that happens my brain turns into a giant bowl of mush, but while Dankey Kong played puppetmaster with my legs, mind was clear and ready to roll.
I was thinking of all sorts of clever quips, putting two and two together on plot lines I didn’t even know existed in my head. I solved everything, rewrote movie plots, and also figured out the answer to some question that had been plaguing me for the last week or so. (I just wish I could remember what it was.)
Also, it turns out I was lucky that I smoked alone because while I was mind-hurling barrels at plot holes left and right, I wouldn’t have been able to move my mouth to communicate them to another person. The words were locked in my head, which was firing on all fuckin’ cylinders. What a shame. Still, I was enough of an audience all on my own, and I felt smart and fully armed with ideas I’d never thought of. I was very amused with myself.
Honestly, I didn’t just feel smart. I felt impenetrable, like the only thing I couldn’t do with my brain in that moment was summon food, which was a bummer since I was freaking STARVING after a bit. It was a huge fail on my part not to be prepared with chips.
Still, I have a feeling if I keep smoking Dankey Kong I may be able to make that food summoning stuff happen, too. After all, his stuff helped me amuse myself while alone in a strange town, and that, my friends, is no small feat.