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Strain review: Lavender Jones

Details

Where to find Lavender Jones: Chronic Therapy, 1020 S. Broadway, Cortez, chronictherapy.co.

Price: $13 a gram or $40 an eighth

Strain review: Lavender Jones

Have you ever been so stoned that food – normal, mundane food – tastes like nectar from the gods? I know you have, and I know you know how awesome that feeling is.

That is precisely what happened to me after smoking some Lavender Jones, a hybrid strain I picked up from Chronic Therapy in Cortez. The buds were thick and plush, and I expected them to smell like lavender. They did not. They smell like grass.

But it doesn’t really matter, because they TASTE like lavender, but only so much that it tweaks the taste buds. It’s not overwhelming or how one would imagine smoking lavender would taste. (Does anyone regularly imagine what that would taste like? And if so, why?)

Anyway, I smoked this bud in the bathtub like a G, and by the time I emerged, I was stoned to the gills. Like, stoooooooned. The first thing I thought of as I was toweling off was how much I really wished I had chocolate ice cream in the freezer. I’m not a huge ice cream fan normally, but when stoned with the munchies, it becomes my jam. Even when it’s four degrees outside.

But, of course, I didn’t have chocolate ice cream because the gods are always frowning down on this pothead, so I had to go with something different – an orange, a fruit I normally want to hurl into the garbage because I hate peeling them. This time, though, it looked delicious. Freaking weed, man.

And, you know what? It tasted delicious, too, thanks to Lavender Jones, a strain that clearly makes life a little better. I made sure to take notes for this story that specifically stated that the orange was basically a forbidden apple, but with a weird ass texture.

It wasn’t only the orange that became great, though. My entire life in that moment was great. I was laughing at the stuff running through my brain, which was mostly random thoughts like “it’s crazy how your head can get fat” and “are there mosquitoes in Colorado.” My brain was running a mile a minute, and it felt like Lavender Jones had unleashed a hidden treasure chest of questions about the world that I never even knew I had. This strain is clearly the key to hidden creativity.

And, interestingly, my body was also feelin’ Lavender Jones unleash the beast, because as I sat there laughing to myself about dumb stuff, I also had a major body high going on. My mouth was so dry – I made sure to write that in my notes three times to be sure my future self understood – my lips felt kinda chapped (they weren’t), and (this is going to sound insane), at one point, I felt like I had pine needles crunching under my feet and between my toes. To say I was trippin’ would be an understatement.

Don’t believe me? Here are some of the more interesting notes from that night:

“I never realized we had a clock in here but I can hear it tick perfectly.”

“So stoned my throat feels weird and I swear I just saw that Charlie the Unicorn creature that sings, ‘Charlie, you look quite down.’”

“I don’t think there was ever a time I saw Houston.” (This had to be an incomplete thought.)

“That tick that makes you allergic to meat.” (Also an incomplete thought.)

So, yeah. This strain will definitely help you hone in on your weirdo side, should you let it, but tread lightly. Otherwise you’ll be crunching on fake pine needles in your brain and hearing cheering fans in the middle of the woods. Lavender Jones is a trickster, but a fun one.

DGO Pufnstuf

Details

Where to find Lavender Jones: Chronic Therapy, 1020 S. Broadway, Cortez, chronictherapy.co.

Price: $13 a gram or $40 an eighth