Love it or hate it: Tuxedos

by Patty Templeton

Love ItDudes ain’t the only ones who look foxy in a tux. I mean, they do, but I have 16 suits bookmarked for when I win the lottery and can splurge on buying gunmetal grey three-pieces, floral cummerbunds, and wingtips. There’s just something sleek about a tuxedo. The outfit has a level of effort and certain eras, holy f, they did it right. My dream tuxedo is Marlene Dietrich’s Weimar-era, form-fitting, high-collared tux with top hat.

Going back to those who identify as gentlemen, sometimes I hear dudes complain about their lack of formal options. I am a firm believer that tuxedos don’t have to be the same-old, same-old. Ever see a man in a hot pink tux? It’ll make you wet, warm, and wild. What about a black tie with a gold tux? What about a black tux with purple satin lining? Or a teal 1970s ruffle tux that’s so vintage porny, it’s scumbag sexy? These are not bland options, but hell, gents, if you’re still not feeling your tux, I’ll gladly trade you your suit for my gown with absolutely no pockets.

Patty TempletonHate itI will defer to Jerry Seinfeld on this one: “The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That’s why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride … and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.”

All joking aside, the tuxedo IS a joke. It takes the world of fashion and all the infinite possibilities, and boxes it into a few approved accessories. It’s like decorating a Mr. Potato Head: If there’s not a hole for it, he ain’t wearing it.

I like a little more choice when piecing together a costume. What’s the craziest thing you can do with a tuxedo – “Oooh, his jacket has tails. How gutsy!”

With formal wear, women have endless options, and men have, what, three? Four tops? And then you show up and you look all but exactly the same as every other idiot guy at the party. I don’t care what James Bond wore, get me outta this thing.

David Holub


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