Strain review: Cheese Train Haze from The Green House Durango

by DGO Pufnstuf

This past weekend I mistook the sink faucet for my cat, and Cheese Train Haze, a freaking SATIVA, was to blame. There I was, smoking a bowl and chilling in front of some trash TV when I looked over and thought my cat was being a jerk on the counter. I tried to shoo her off from afar by yelling, but she did not move, and instead sat there like a feline statue. Or so I thought.

I was obviously pretty stoned, so I didn’t want to get off the couch and shoo her away from whatever was interesting her, but I was so hyper-focused on the cat sitting like a statue that I did, at one point, get up and walk over. Lo and behold, it wasn’t my cat. It was my kitchen sink faucet, which has always been exactly where it is and until now has never resembled the cat.

That’s the power of Cheese Train Haze, though. That strain is a total mind fuck. I was not only confused by my faucet, but I also felt like my face was melting off of its bony base like a waxy candle. I do not understand how this is a sativa, other than it makes me hyper focus on things that aren’t actually occurring.

I picked up this stinky cheese man strain from The Green House in Durango and knew what I was in for when I did so. We’ve smoked quite a bit of Cheese Train Haze over the last year, and I thought I was prepared for its effects after it screwed with my head so badly the first time that we reviewed it. I was not prepared for those trippy effects, nor was I prepared for the horrendous stench that was emitted from the container when I popped the lid open. This strain is fun, and it’s also quite pretty with its frosty white nugs, but it smells like sheer funk that’s straight from the devil’s feet.

Luckily, I like how it affects me enough to overlook the fact that it smells like a high school locker room filled with moldy cheese. This strain turns me into a walking display ad for stoner tropes, and brings with it everything from the severe munchies to tripped out, amused bouts of uncontrollable laughter.

The crazy thing is I’d only smoked a single bowl when I started confusing the kitchen faucet for the cat. And to be fair, things actually started off pretty chill, but they obviously didn’t stay that way. One minute I was a moderate level of high, and the next minute I mistook an inanimate object for a furry, alive object. Luckily, I was super amused by everything at that point, so I wasn’t even horrified by my mistake. I just laughed it off.

I then proceeded to laugh everything else off, too, but couldn’t get my mouth to work long enough to explain to my house-mate what the deal was. I would break into a fit of laughter, catch my breath, attempt to explain what had happened with the sink, and then dissolve into another bout of laughter. That was basically the pattern the entire time I was stoned.

Well, there was that and intermittent stints of productivity, which was a weird split, as you can imagine. I would sit on the couch and laugh at everything – and by that I mean Zied on “90 Day Fiancé” because he is a Tunisian treasure, you guys – but then suddenly feel the urge to get up and be productive. At one point I even got up and organized my weed, which had thrown haphazardly into a plastic bin and was sitting on a shelf in my closet. No longer, though! It’s no longer a jumbled mess. It is neatly organized, labels facing forward, so I can find what I’m looking for instead of throwing containers out while digging for something specific.

Anyway, that’s the magic of Cheese Train Haze. It turned me into a giggly, tripped-out mess who was entirely too amused by trash television and my kitchen faucet. I would highly recommend this strain, but make sure you plug your nose before you bring the bowl near your face or you may pass out from the funk. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

DGO Pufnstuf


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