Are you a doobie downer? Here’s how to roll a joint like a pro

by DGO Web Administrator

Breaking Weed News!!!

Shout outs to the Supreme Court of the United States for refusing to hear Nebraska and Oklahoma’s case against Colorado’s legalization of cannabis. Another step, another step …

Now, to the business at hand. There are a lot of ways to get high: bowls, bongs, blunts, vaporizers, rigs, apples, aluminum cans, chillums and about 50 or so others, but nothing carries that old-school-meets-new-school feel quite like a joint.

Before we get rolling (as it were) on the topic, allow me this “Get Off My Lawn” interlude.” If you don’t know how to roll a joint, don’t offer to roll a damn joint. If you want to be part of the process, offer to grind or break up the bud. Then, grind or tear the crap out of that bud to approximately 100 parts per square inch. If you’re doing this by hand, it can get to be a tiny bit of a PITA, but, be a friggin’ champ for a few minutes, then lean back, and smoke that J.

The entire technology of the joint is geared around a burning rate that is relatively slow and as consistent as humanly possible. A joint needs to be packed pretty tightly, but packed gently. Think of kissing with your eyes open and how you would brush a lip with a couple fingers or a thumb. If the bone you roll is too loose, it will burn erratically – slower where there’s more paper, way damn quicker where there’s less and will probably go out a couple times. One way to avoid this is to have your broken-up bud be of a fairly consistent size (super easy with a grinder, easy enough by hand). If that baby’s too tight, good luck getting airflow enough to keep it lit longer than 1-Mississippi; this problem arises when the person spinning the doob is a strangler (you know the type) or when someone takes the fully-rolled J and pinches one end while shaking it down to pack it: that’s a solid technique, but, just play it mellow.

I, being one who took many moons to figure out how to roll a truly proper J, realize that you must crawl before you can walk, so here are a few basic tips to get you rolling:

1. Bigger papes are more forgiving, 1¼ or larger size is recommended for beginners.

2. Crinkle/rough up the paper before starting as it lessens the slickness and gives the paper a little bit of grip.

3. Fold the pape upward with a decently solid seam so that the bottom (ungummed) edge makes a little V ending around its middle.

4. When you pour the (perfectly ground) bud into the paper, leave a little bit of space at each end in order to minimize spillage.

5. Once the bud has filled the appropriate space, lightly pinch the pape between your thumbs and middle fingers (Your hands will look like the “b” and “d” of a gang sign), then use your index fingers to begin the spinning.

6. Repeat the process described in Step 5 another four or five times.

7. As you approach the point when all the paper has wrapped itself around itself and you’re ready to seal the deal, pause. I’ve discovered that the joint seals much easier if you lick and stick the middle of the gummed edge first, then deal with each end individually. Wet only the tippety tip of your tongue and use it to wet approximately 5 to 7.5 percent in each direction from the center of your now almost completed joint; this allows you the flexibility to adjust each side as necessary to have a consistently tight bone all the way through. Don’t worry if it’s a little fatter in the middle and narrower at the ends – it’s a doobie, not a dang Lucky Strike.

8. To paraphrase Method Man, “Light that … ummmm … joint. Smoke it.”

And that, DGO, is how you roll a joint. Now (and here’s the kicker), go practice. Start rolling one, take it apart, (do this over a plate or something because you’re going to drop it at some point), reroll it. Do that a few times, then smoke some more.

Thennnnn … Roll another while high. And unroll, reroll etc. etc., because it’s realistic practice for how you’re going to apply this newly developed skill.

Now, let’s all celebrate this week’s wonderful weed news and burn one for the SCOTUS.

Christopher Gallagher lives with his wife and their four dogs and two horses. Life is pretty darn good. Contact him at [email protected]

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