Oh, the holidays. It’s family time… with your family. That’s great and all, but some point or another, you’re all just going to be sitting around in the same house listening to your crazy uncle talk about how JFK was supposed to appear in a Dallas park — but he ghosted due to the Illuminati’s underground Deep State campaign. And that can get really old really quickly, eh? Eh. It sure can.
It can also make you want to drink, and drink a lot. There’s no better way to drown out crazy Uncle Ben than with a bottle or six of bourbon, right?
But depending on how deep you are into the holiday season, there’s a good chance that bars will be closed, restaurants will be closed, and anything else that might provide a boozy distraction from this bleak existence will probably be closed, too. So what’s a sober person to do?
Well, you can drink at home, of course. Get the whole family in on the fun! Maybe Uncle Ben will loosen up or drink so much that he just mumbles to himself or something. You never know what fun could come of it!
And, you can justify your binge drinking by turning some of your board games into drinking games instead. We too are thinking of dusting off the old Hi-Ho
Cherry-Oh and Uno and modifying them, giving us an excuse to knock back a few shots on a Tuesday — and we don’t even have an Uncle Ben!
Care to join us? Bottoms up! Let’s play some Bottleship.
Battleship
What to call it: Bottleship
What to drink while you play: Who cares; maybe some mead if you’re role-playing as a pirate who’s sinking battleships or something
Have an old Battleship game laying around? No? Can you steal one from your kids’ room? If you can dredge up an old Battleship game from some underbelly in your home, you’ve got yourself a drinking game with a few minor conversions. We’ll call this version Bottleship — and it’s nothing if not an excuse to repeat the phrase “you sunk my battleship” for no reason at all.
It’s also a quick and easy way to get drunk, which is pretty much the goal of what we’re doing here.
HOW TO PLAY:
You have options here, people. You can either take a drink every time your battleship sustains a hit, or you can create a battleship board with cardboard and shot glasses on the squares. When your ship sustains a hit, take the shot. That’s a good way to die, though — so maybe make it half-shots or something. That’s the adult way to do this.
Clue
What to call it: “I ain’t got a Clue”
What to drink while you play: A classy martini or something that goes with a monocle
All right; real talk. Who hasn’t wanted to be drunk and blame Colonel Mustard for a heinous crime using a crowbar? Raise your hand.
Yeah, we see approximately zero raised hands, which means we’re all on board to play a drunken game of Clue.
Most people have a copy of this game lying around for no good reason at all. So go dust it off and dust off that handle of gin while you’re at it. You’re going to need it where we’re going.
HOW TO PLAY:
Before you start, you should assign a drink to each room on the board. When you enter a room, you have to start drinking your assigned drink. Doesn’t matter what the drink is, but you can’t leave the room until you finish your drink. That’s going to suck if you figure out who’s responsible for the murder with a glass half-full, so you best get to chugging if you need to make your way from the library to the study.
Jenga
What to call it: We don’t know! Jenga? A disaster? Someone else is cleaning this mess up? The naming world is your oyster.
What to drink while playing: A PBR or some other cheap beer
If you have a Jenga set and some beer, you have everything you need to play In normal times, you’d be able to play this game with a huge group of people. Right now, though, you can play it with whoever’s in your house. Bonus points for using a life-size Jenga set. Just watch your feet when it falls.
HOW TO PLAY:
It’s time to desecrate those Jenga blocks. Grab a permanent marker or some clear tape if you aren’t ready to massacre your blocks. Write a challenge on each of the blocks. This can include things like, “Take a mystery shot!” or “Slam your beer!” or even include other non-drinking dares, which will be funnier after a few of those drinking-related tiles are pulled. You’ll have to complete the task for each tile you pull. If you knock down the Jenga tower, you have to chug your drink. Simple, really.
Monopoly
What to call it: Subprime Mortgage- Opoly
What to drink while playing: Whatever bankers drink. Gin and tonic? Vodka soda? We are not bankers. Ask someone else. HOW TO PLAY:
The rules of this game are simple. All you have to do is drink every time you or another player lands on:
— Chance
— Community Chest
— Free Parking
— Just Visiting
— Luxury Tax
— Income Tax
— An unowned property that you don’t want to purchase
— Go
— A utility space
This can turn messy very quickly, but it will also put an end to the nonstop Monopoly games that never freaking end, so it’s really a win-win. We’re going for Life
What to call it: Lack of Accomplishments
What to drink: A stiff drink or straight vodka
Let’s be real, here. The Game of Life sucks — and we don’t just mean the last year of your life, either. We also mean the actual board game, but it sucks less with some booze involved.
HOW TO PLAY:
This game is the board game version of “never have I ever.” You drink every time you land on a space that describes a task you haven’t completed. If you fall into a depression when you realize that you haven’t accomplished much, you have our permission to drink extra.
Twister
What to call it: Getting Twisted
What to drink: Jungle Juice or Boones Farm
There’s no reason to play Twister or drink Jungle Juice past the age of 24, but if you combine them into one awkward game of Twister we can get on board All you really need is an old Twister game and some cheap liquor to pull this one off. Warning, though: You’re involving cheap booze and Twister, which is HOW TO PLAY:
Grab some Post-It notes or stickers and write Drink on them. Stick them on the board randomly. If you land a body part on one of those Drink spots, you have to drink. Things will get weird, but it’s fine. No one needs to know what occurred the night you played drunken Twister.
Risk
What to call it: The Worst Game Ever Invented
What to drink: Everything at once
Risk is quite possibly one of the most awful games ever invented. It ends friendships, splits families down the middle, and has even caused divorces. These If you have a copy of Risk laying around, all you need is some booze to turn it into its boozy cousin, aka the Worst Game Ever Invented.
Do people even play Risk anymore? Maybe you can find a copy of this board game at your grandma’s house or something. That’s probably the last generation to pick this game up.
HOW TO PLAY:
Drink when someone gains control of a continent*
Drink when someone gets into an argument over this stupid game*
Drink to get through the fact that you’re playing Risk* *
Any or all of the above combinations are acceptable
Scrabble
What to call it: English Snobbery
What to drink: Scotch, duh
This is one game we’ll admit to owning and playing on a regular basis. We like being English snobs (who occasionally … err … often misspell things).
If you’re also the type of person who corrects other people’s grammar in a Facebook fight, this game is for you.
HOW TO PLAY:
When you play a word that’s from one part of speech (a noun, verb, preposition, adjective, pronoun, preposition, conjunction, or interject), the next person has to use a word from a different part of speech. If they play a noun after your noun, or an adjective after your adjective, they drink. (Y’all gon’ get real tipsy, friends.)
Sorry
What to call it: Sorry Not Sorry
What to drink: A THC-infused seltzer or beer cause this is gonna get real old, real fast
Sorry is another one of those games that isn’t fun. Like, it isn’t. It’s apologizing because the rules dictate it, not because you’re actually sorry — and that is no bueno in our books.
You know what’s better than Sorry? Sorry Not Sorry, the boozy version of this boring old board game. You’ll get to be petty over the word sorry, which is what you are in normal life, too.
HOW TO PLAY:
When someone tries to bump you back to Start, which requires the obligatory “Sorry,” you can respond with, “Sorry Not Sorry!”
This will bump them back to Start and you’ll keep your space. There’s a penalty for that behavior, though. Your pettiness will be made whole by drinking a beer or taking a shot. Do it a second time and you’ll have to drink two drinks. And so on and so forth. This continues until you pass out, which will be sooner rather than later. Never a bad thing when you’re playing Sorry.
If you’re stuck playing Monopoly with a bunch of competitive nerds who never let you win, maybe it’s time to turn the game into a drinking game. They’ll give up more quickly that way — or at least let you be the banker after a few rounds. Either way, it’s a win.
messy here.
with it.
bound to get uncomfortable quickly.
are all scientific facts. You know the risks of Risk.
