High-ass recipes: Cereal Killer

by DGO Web Administrator

In this week’s High-Ass Recipe, I’ve chosen the divine power of sugary cereal – snack blessing of the gods – to satisfy your primordial hunger of highness.

Not long ago, I sought a fix from my friendly neighborhood Albertsons. Swaying before the rainbow wall of Trix, Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Golden Grahams and Cap’n Crunch, I heard the jaded checkout attendant announce over the loudspeaker, “Attention Albert-stoned shoppers, our store is closing in five minutes. Please make your way to the nearest checkout lane.” Red-eyed and obvious, I made my final purchase – Lucky Charms – avoiding the thinly-veiled judgments of the checker.

In the sanctuary of my home, I sat down to watch “The Best of Chris Farley” with the magically-delicious morsels until the bag lay lifeless beside me on the couch. They were too seductive, their subtly sweet crunch and the slow dissolve of marshmallow pillows on my tongue. With 50 shades of cereal delight, follow the simple recipe below to satisfy your high-ass hunger this weekend.

What you need:

A box of cereal (name brand or generic … it matters not)

1 cup of coconut, almond, soy or cow’s milk

A bowl, a spoon and your own trembling hand


Pour cereal into the bowl to the point of overflow. Pour in milk to an acceptable saturation point – or not, and just eat it dry. Repeatedly shovel cereal into your face with either the spoon or your bare hands until the box is completely empty.


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