Sex and spotting: Adventures in IUDs, part III

by Patty Templeton

Boomchickey. I’ve made it nine months with ParaGard, the copper IUD. Darling readers, biological enthusiasts, I ain’t gonna lie. At times, I’ve wanted to rip this sciencey BS straight outta my cooch. BUT. That would be insane. (You should have it removed by a professional.) Besides, things have gotten better…ish.

New to my reproductive organs? Hi! On December 4, 2017, I got a copper IUD. You can read about it in “Adventures in IUDs, part 1: The insertion.” Synopsis: apocalyptic cramps. Your three-month update is “What I wish I’d known before I got my IUD: adventures in IUDs, part II.” Keywords: mucus and mega-periods.

Now? For starters, I’ve had a hotdog down this hallway. Ahem, I mean, I’ve had sex. What does it feel like with an IUD? You’ll find out, along with OxiClean tips, some upsides, and dumpsters of blood.

The slowing of the B-horror blood bucketsThis baby-blocker comes at a cost. Hell-cramps and long periods are common with copper IUDs. I’m fortunate. My shotgun-to-the-guts menstrual aches were gone about four months in. Instead, I’m dealing with wackadoo periods.

Tits-out honesty, WTH is going on inside me? Nine months in, and there’s not much regularity to my menstruation. I’m not sure when Gush City’s gonna come, even with my period tracker app (Flo).

On The Pill, my rag lasted four days, then doneski. Not super heavy, always on time, excellent. Now? It’s seven days (or more). The good news? After nine months of irregular carnage spouting, I might FINALLY have a normal cycle. It’s been three weeks since my last red confession and bless us, for there’s been no spotting.

Hot tip: Get OxiClean along with yer copper IUD. WHAMMO-outta-nowhere periods mean a whole lotta slaughterhouse panty scenes.

Dancing in the sheets with an IUDI don’t chat about sex publically because I AM SHY, OK? Here goes anyways. I had a roll in the hay with a Poet Creature earlier this year when the IUD was new. And yowza, we’ve made the two-backed beast lately, too. (Yes, my ears are blushing.)

I don’t feel a dang bit of difference in sex. No pings, pangs, itching, or pain, no matter what vanilla to bendy position my body is in. What about from the dude’s point of view? What follows is a Very Real Interview with my Anonymous Adonis:

When I first got my IUD, did you feel it? I want to say I might have felt it, at the beginning, but only because I was maybe looking for it. There’s a whole lot more going on to focus on. Whatever I did feel, it didn’t make much of a difference.

If you hadn’t known I had an IUD, do you think you’d have felt it?It’s hard to say. You told me what it was and what it might feel like. I was like, OK, I think I might have felt that. Had I not known, I wouldn’t have been able to attribute the minimal sensation I may have felt to an IUD.

That was then. What about now that my IUD strings are even softer? At this point, I don’t notice it at all.

Your overall review of IUD sex is . . . ?There’s no experiential difference, other than the comforting knowledge that steps are being taken to prevent pregnancy.

To be clear, if your partner feels something, it’s the IUD’s strings barely dangling out of your cervix, not the IUD itself – which is located in the uterus. If there’s some kinda Herculean peen in you that has gone through your cervix into your uterus, get ye to a hospital, cause you’ve been cleft in twain.

Final verdict: Hell yes, IUDs are worth itI ain’t a doctor. I’m not saying how my body battled the IUD is how your body will treat you. I can say I’d do it all over again. I love the idea of having a semi-permanent, low maintenance form of birth control. I dig that it’s decent for the environment. With The Pill, there’s packaging to toss each month. My IUD will last up to 12 years, with the only waste being its original packaging and the tiny device.

Full truth, the only reason I’ve stuck with the ParaGard copper IUD is because I don’t have the health coverage to make switching to Mirena, the hormone-releasing, plastic IUD, cheap-to-free. Sure, Mirena only lasts three to six years, but it would likely cut out or drastically curtail my strawberry curse rather than make it longer. Mirena would also probably cancel the shoulder acne that’s been like, HELLO I’VE NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE LET’S BE FRIENDS.

Weirdly, my copper IUD now feels like a war I want to wait out and win. I’m keeping the ParaGard out of a crude curiosity to see how long, if ever, it’ll take til Aunt Flow regulates.

The bonus? I haven’t experienced any other crappy sides to this. No more murdertronic cramps or migraines, and I never had weight gain. I can use whatever shark week materials I want – from tampons to menstrual cups. Oh, and after knocking boots more than a few times, there ain’t a baby coming outta this lady.

Patty Templeton

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