Strain Review: Alien Nightmare

by DGO Pufnstuf

Fellow insomniacs: Alien Nightmare should come with a warning (other than its name). That warning should specify that if you smoke one tiny bowl at 8 p.m. on a Monday night, you will be super stoned and then pass out for the next 12 hours. In other words, if you have trouble falling and/or staying asleep, it should explicitly state how awesome this strain is.

In case you haven’t figured it out, this week we’re reviewing Alien Nightmare, an indica hybrid that’s crossbred from Aliens on Moonshine x White Nightmare. It is (apparently) super strong, smells a bit like a mint that fell in the mud, and the buds are tiny. Nothing about it smells or looks intimidating, which is why I thought I could smoke a tiny bowl and be fine. I was fine, because I needed to sleep, but if you need to be productive, stay away. You can’t fight that Alien Nightmare feeling. Trust.

When I say I smoked a tiny bowl, I mean it. I’ve learned my lesson about school nights, so I loaded the pipe with the most mouse-sized amount of weed one can load without causing inhalation issues. It was the equivalent of about five hits. Five hits were enough.

This strain has a reputation for being a creeper, but it was clear early on that this strain is not a creeper when mixed with my cells. I started feeling the effects after one hit, which seemed absurd at the time. That’s why I kept smoking it. By the time that bowl was cashed, I was pretty darn stoned. My notes say, verbatim: “I didn’t even smoke that much! I wonder why indicas make me so stoned.” I had a major body high, a pretty decent head high – my notes equate it to feeling like a balloon being inflated – and I was VERY into reading the same news story, over… and over… and over.

It only took about oh, five minutes or so before my limbs felt like pudding, and – I swear – I started heavy blinking for an average of 13 seconds at a time. My eyes wanted to defy my brain and shut themselves. Body part anarchy at its finest. I tried reading a different version of that news story, but it just wasn’t going to register. I tried to play on Facebook, but quit after I kept accidentally posting weird memes on peoples’ posts.

At some point – not sure how long, because I was so stoned time felt like it was ticking in slow motion – I reached couch lock territory. I usually abhor that feeling, but in this case, it was a relief. Most nights, I toss and turn, and then wake up at 3 a.m. to stare at the ceiling until the sun comes up. But after the couch lock, I passed out, warm and fuzzy to my bones, and stayed that way until 7:45 a.m. I cannot tell you the last time I slept that well.

Listen. If you have trouble sleeping, invest in this bad boy. Seriously. I don’t know what kind of magic it holds, but it is the very best. Nothing nightmarish about it.

DGO Pufnstuf

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