We’re ready to get married, sort of

by Sir Blaze Ridcully

Wedding Pie made us want to get hitched to a weed (a WEEEEEEED)

Do you ever get so bogged down by life that you really just need a good excuse to sleep for 12 hours straight without any disturbances or weird, vivid dreams that you have to live with the next day? Anyone? Well, dear readers, I do. Often. But, unfortunately, those opportunities are rare so I usually just take my crappy six hours of sleep and run with it. Thus is life. I have accepted the “Groundhog’s Day” cycle that is trapping yourself indoors because of COVID-19. And because I’m antisocial and would rather watch a “Forensic Files” replay on TV most days.

But not this week! This week, I got my hands on some Wedding Pie from our budtender friends at The Green House. If you’ve never heard of Wedding Pie, I guarantee you’ve heard of its parent age. This Indica-leaning hybrid is a cross between Wedding Cake and Grape Pie, so I knew I was in for a real treat because I’m a real big fan of Wedding Cake.

I got even more excited when I opened up the container when I got home. Y’all. Wedding Pie is some smelly bud. But not in a bad way, more in a, “Oh HELLO!

You’re about to smoke some dank weed,” type of way. Wedding Pie actually smells a bit fruity: lemony and sweet with some underlying spicy and earthy notes. This stuff is strong, so whip this out in a space where you’re trying to be subtle because Wedding Pie will out you so fast. And, to be fair, this is a strain that you should smoke loud and proud.

Which is exactly what I did.

These pretty little nugs have little flecks of auburn in them and are covered in tiny crystal trichomes which only make them that much lovelier to look at. I tried not to touch them too much, however, as it turns out that Wedding Pie is actually pretty sticky.

I hadn’t used my trusty little pipe in a minute so I dug it out of my weed drawer (yes, I have one of those), packed a bowl, and lit up. Initially, Wedding Pie tasted very earthy but the aftertaste came out very sweet and fruity, almost like inhaling a handful of berries. This stash from The Green House came in at 30% THC, so I was trying to be careful with how much I smoked. (If you’re new here, The Green House tends to have strains that will leave you feeling like you’re in an Air Force jet going 1,800 miles an hour.) Alas, as it usually goes with weed, I couldn’t help myself. Also, after about three puffs I was already feeling it and there was no way I was going to just leave it at three measly tokes.

Wedding Pie had an almost instant calming effect on me. I wrote in my notes, “feels like someone put an emotional weighted blanket on me.” I have no idea what an “emotional weighted blanket” means but it must be good because the notes after that are “feeling peaceful” and “feels like I’m floating on a cloud in the room.” Sober Me thinks that sounds very excellent and I’m sure Stoned Me did, too.

Wedding Pie also gave me a feeling of detachment, the kind that you hope to achieve as a wisened respectable figure that everyone goes to for advice. And, listen, if I can achieve that status as a stoned person smoking Wedding Pie on their back patio, then literally anyone can. I felt like I could solve any problem, especially when I started re-watching “90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way” and started doling out advice to the people on screen who obviously could not hear me.

I can honestly say I don’t remember any of the obviously grand and helpful things I kept yelling at the TV. Yes, everyone. Wedding Pie turned me into a dating expert for all of three hours until I passed out with a handful of garlic and parmesan kettle chips shoved in my mouth.

Y’all, I got to say, after smoking Wed-ding Pie, I had some of the best sleep in my life. No, I didn’t pass out for an entire 12 hours but I got my tight eight in and I didn’t wake up once like I normally do, typically from tossing and turning or half-awake freaking out over a strange sound I heard.

If you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety or struggling to get a good night of sleep like me, I cannot recommend Wedding Pie enough. It’ll be some of the best sleep you’ve had in a long time and it makes it so much easier to wind down before you go to bed. Trust me. Those dark circles under your eyes will thank you for your service.

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