Avert your gaze! This week we discuss a few common unsightly oversights and fashion faux pas caused by ill- and odd-fitting garments, and suggestions on how to avoid them.
Muffin-top
Volcanic over-flub at the hips and waist can be caused by the distracting qualities of the very low-rise pants being either too tight, the wrong style for a body type, and/or bad design. Avoid it, and anything else that distracts from and distorts your beautiful natural shape!
Too tight is too tight, ladies, displacement happens. Size numbers on clothing mean almost nothing. Just go up a size and also try different brands to find a pair with your unique proportions.
Hourglass-shaped women in particular get muffin-top in most low-rise pants. That hourglass curve between waist and hips is just hard to jive with a low waist. Try a higher-waist, as it will emphasize your waist and hips. The low style is flattering on rectangular, slim-hipped women where that low horizontal line at the waist adds some visual curviness.
Bad design means bad pattern-making, poor-quality fabric and not enough fabric used in the garment’s construction. In jeans, I do recommend buying the highest quality that you can afford. If you find yourself commonly be-muffined but love low-risers, try a higher quality pant. Better fabric will have the right stretch needed for the low-rise design, and more fabric will have been used to curve the waistband and cover the booty sufficiently.
As an alternative, high-waist pants are fashion-forward right now and look good on hourglass figures because the waistband will cut across at the smallest part of the midsection – the “real” waist or “belly-button waist” – not that high hip area.
The labels A.G. or Citizens of Humanity have various well-designed, low-rise styles made of lovely denim and stretch fabrics. They are on the spendy side, but so worth it! Check for a more affordable selection on eBay or in used clothing stores.
Whale-tail
These should only be spotted in the ocean! On a whale!
This disharmony of thong and low-rise pant looks … (sad face) trashy and needs to be stopped! Wearing a higher-waisted pant, a longer camisole or shirt, a flesh-tone thong, going commando or wearing real panties that will stay put should hide that whale-tail. Check your back in the mirror and bend over, too, to know those parameters!
The lady who combines the whale-tail with a muffin-top and an obvious butt crack needs to watch her back because I will pull up in a black van, put a sack over her head and kidnap that chick to go lingerie shopping.
A visible lingerie style can be done really well with class and subtlety. Try a lacy slip hem peeking out from under a skirt or a lacy silky camisole under a jacket or cardigan.
I’m a granny panty lady and would never vote thong, but there is one good reason for them…
Visible panty lines (VPL)
The elimination of VPL with a thong is, to me, the only righteous reason to wear these glorified rubber bands.
The culprits of VPL are: Too-thin, poor-quality garment fabric, thick-edged panties, too-small panties and/or not wearing a slip. Whether it is pants, skirt or a dress, VPL and her cousin VPP (visible panty pattern) wreck the rear-view.
The worst VPL occur when the lines we see are actually from a thong – heinous betrayal of function! Nooo! I shake my fist at the heavens, then go warm up the kidnap van … And God help you, woman, if through your pants we can actually read any words emblazoned on the butt of the panties, only comprehensible if some company is compensating you for your plush advertising space.
There exist plenty of types of “invisible” or “no-line” panties out there. Wear these plus a slip when wearing a skirt, it will help to smooth you out back there and avoid annoying skirt ride-up, bunchiness and static cling, especially when wearing tights in the winter. Get some solid, skin-tone colors for under light-colored bottoms, maybe a pair or two of high-waist “grannies” for under high-waist bottoms to avoid my personal nemesis, that bitch cross-belly VPL (I did just feel that collective shudder at my granny-panty suggestion, sorry, girlfriends, but sometimes the truth hurts.)
You’ll look even greater after taking a sec to check that rear-view, making sure everything is fitting well and in its proper spot. Don’t let pesky sartorial oversights distract from your look, personality, professionalism or positive communications to the world. And speaking of …
Even though according to my man, “Men don’t do anything wrong, fashion-wise,” Style Fetish will soon be discussing such common manly oversights as the unfortunately-not-elusive Yeti-neck, forest nostril and the coin-slot effect.
Heather Narwid owns Sideshow Emporium, a vintage and second-hand clothing store recently relocated to downtown Durango from Dolores. She thinks you look nice today. Ask her anything at [email protected]
