A mental health survival guide for COVID-19

by Amanda Push

You’re probably a wee bit sick of hearing about COVID-19 (aka coronavirus) at this point and truth be told so are we. But since literally everything is shutting down, everyone is working from home, and life as we know it has been canceled until further notice, there’s really no getting around it.

In the name of being a good person, we’re encouraging you to social distance and stay at home as much as you can. But we also realize that’s kind of a bummer. So, we’ve reached a compromise. Here’s a bunch of random things you can do to entertain yourself while stuck at home that isn’t just “cook more” and “cry into your pillow.”

Smoke so much weed you wouldn’t believeCOVID-19? More like COVID-420! Amirite, guys? GUYS?! But seriously, guys. Stop hoarding toilet paper and start stocking up on rolling paper. But not too much. Leave some for the rest of us.

On the upside, by continuing to purchase weed you are thereby supporting local businesses AND by the time you inevitably go insane from the boredom of never leaving your home, you won’t care because you’ll be very stoned.

Listen to Lizzo play the fluteLizzo is the hero we don’t deserve, but she’s the hero we need. If you’re super stressed about all this and not even your weed stash is helping, take a moment to listen to a meditative flute sesh with the queen of woodwind-instrument twerking herself.

Solve a cold casePut all that free time to good use and figure out who killed Jon Benet Ramsey. Seriously. We want to know.

There are so many unsolved Colorado cold cases and maybe all it will take to bring them peace is for your bored ass to stop watching “American Dad” long enough to put your detective cap on.

Go on Disney ridesBummed you’re missing out on your spring break trip? Well, we have sort of good news! You can take Disney rides! Don’t get too excited though because they’re literally just videos of Disney rides … but who’s to say you won’t be bored enough NOT to try them?

Now is the time to visit Disney (virtually, of course) when prices are cheaper than ever. Free! All thanks to accounts like SoCal Attractions 360, Adventures in VR, and TouringPlans, you can now tell all your great-grandchildren that you went to Disney when the coronavirus hit.

In the mood for something classic? How about a spin on It’s a Small World or Mystic Manor? Or maybe you’re in the mood for something a little more modern like Frozen or Hotel Transylvania?

Contact these jerk-off government officialsLike Mr. Rogers said, you should always look for the helpers in times of crisis but you should also look for the asshats. Here are a few shitty ways government officials are taking advantage of the coronavirus crisis and/or just being terrible humans in general.

• Ohio’s Attorney General Dave Yost ordered the halt of all abortion procedures.

• Republicans Richard Burr, Kelly Loeffler, and James Inhofe and Democrat Dianne Feinstein allegedly may have been involved in some insider trading after they made a whole lotta money by selling off their stocks real early on to avoid a hit to their bank accounts as a result of COVID-19. According to the BBC, “it’s illegal for Congress members to trade based on non-public information gathered during their official duties.”

• The Idaho Senate recently passed an anti-trans bill which was sponsored by Rep. Barbara Ehardt.

• Gov. Andrew Cuomo had the bright idea to start forcing nearly 100 prison inmates in New York to produce 100K gallons of hand sanitizer weekly. He calls it keeping up with the demand, we call it slavery.

Discover the truth about “name your favorite conspiracy theory”As expected, this list has now devolved into delving into the dark places of the internet conspiracy theory world. At a time like this when most of us have nothing but time, perhaps now would be the time finally uncover the truth about the JFK assassination, whether the Denver International Airport is situated above the headquarters for the New World Order, or whether Jonestown was actually an MKUltra experiment.

Amanda Push


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