Ask a couple of pot-heads

by DGO Punstuff

From the meaning of terpenes to tips for growing bud, here are the answers to your burning weed questions

Hello out there! This is Blaze and Puf, your two friendly neighborhood potheads. This is yet another round of, well, “Ask a couple of potheads.” We’ve been stoked with the amount of feedback and questions we’ve received over the last few issues, so please keep ’em coming! We freaking love talking to you guys about pot.

And, if you’re new to this column, here’s the deal. Because we keep getting texts and emails asking us about canna-bis-related things, we decided to turn it into a Q&A session. Apparently we’re your safe place for answers on all things pot, and while we never mind chatting about the devil’s lettuce, we would appreciate you asking the questions sometime BEFORE midnight.

So, if you have questions, we want ’em. We want to know your deepest, darkest queries that you sit up at night thinking about. No question is too basic or noob for us! Send them our way, whether it’s something like, “How much THC is too much THC?” or “What is this that I’m vaping?”

You can ask us ANYTHING YOU WANT TO in here. There are no rules. You can even email us at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday if you want to. The world is your freaking pothead oyster!

Come one, come all with your silly, embarrassing, or just plain weird questions about weed. You can send them over to us at [email protected] and someone will eventually send them our way. Once they do, we’ll do our best to answer them in the best way possible. And here we go.

I’ve been hearing that something called “terpenes” is important to cannabis users. Usually, when someone brings it up I just nod my head and go along with it, but now I got to ask: What are terpenes, and why are they important?

Blaze: As Puf well knows, I too am guilty of pretending like I know what other people are talking about, so I feel you on this! So, terpenes, or “terps” if you’re real cool, are the oils, or compounds, found in cannabis plants. However, you won’t find them in just cannabis. Many plants have terpenes, though cannabis terpenes are probably the best well-known.

DGO August 2023 Page 21 Image 0002While many growers and users are mainly focused on THC levels, terpenes also play an important role in your marijuana experience. Terpenes are what give that extra “oomph” of flavor. They’re what makes your marijuana nubs smell or taste piney, earthy, floral, cheesy, sweet, stinky, and so on. The way I see it, it would be like eating apple pie without the apples. Ok, maybe it’s not as dramatic as that, but still! They’re important.

Puf: OK, so let’s talk terpenes, or “terps” if you wanna be part of the cool kids club. Terpenes are basically the secret oils or compounds hiding in cannabis plants, but interestingly enough, they’re not exclusive to the old weed. These sneaky little devils can be found in all sorts of plants, like a bunch of botanical party crashers.

But hey, don’t let their ubiquity fool you. Cannabis terpenes are like the rockstars of the plant world. While most folks are busy fixating on THC levels like it’s a cosmic competition, those terps are backstage, adding some serious flavor to the show.

Imagine biting into a slice of mouth-watering apple pie, but wait, there are no apples! What sorcery is this? Well, that’s what it’s like without terpenes. They’re the apple to your pie, the spicy to your salsa, the funky to your fresh. They’re the ones responsible for making your marijuana experience a rollercoaster of piney, earthy, floral, and even cheesy — yes, I said cheesy — sensations.

So next time you’re puff-puff-passing that joint, take a moment to appreciate the terpenes doing a little dance in your nostrils and turning your taste buds into a mariachi band. It’s not just about getting high, my friends; it’s about savoring the symphony of scents and flavors that nature has gifted us.

And hey, if you’re still confused, just remember that even the most seasoned pot enthusiasts were once in your shoes, probably stumbling over their words and trying to impress fellow enthusiasts with made-up facts. Embrace the terpene journey, laugh at the funny names, and enjoy the ride.

I’m thinking about growing a couple of marijuana plants in my home. What do I need to do or know in order not to kill them off?

Puf: Ah, the “green” adventure you’re embarking on, huh? Don’t worry; growing marijuana plants can be a “highly” rewarding experience (pun intended). To make sure your leafy pals don’t turn into “weedy” corpses, here are some tips to keep them thriving:
Start with the right “seedlings”: Choose reputable sources for your seeds, so you don’t end up with duds. You wouldn’t want your plants to be a “buzz-kill” before they even sprout!
Light up their life: Just like humans need sunshine, your green buddies crave good lighting. Make sure they get enough of it, but don’t expose them to so much that they think they’re at a rock concert.

DGO August 2023 Page 22 Image 0001Don’t be a “water-boarder”: Overwatering can be detrimental to your plants. They might enjoy a “drink” now and then, but don’t drown them in love!

Be a “nutritionist”: Feed your plants with proper nutrients. Think of it as creating a gourmet meal for them, minus the Michelin star.

Watch for party-crashers: Keep an eye out for pests, bugs, and nosy neighbors. You wouldn’t want anyone “narking” on your little green secret.

Give them some breathing room: Ensure proper ventilation for your plants. They need to breathe just as much as you do after hearing a good joke!
Prune, but for the love of god, don’t manscape or ladyscape: Trim your plants as needed, but please refrain from giving them a fancy hairstyle or a Brazilian wax. They like to keep it natural.

Love and “sunny” vibes – Lastly, shower your plants with love and positive energy. Compliment them on their leaves and make them feel like the fancy little badasses they are.

Taking on the role of budding botanist can be a little intense, but stick it out. Chances are you’ll create a joint venture you can be proud of, even if you accidentally murk a plant or six along the way. And if that happens, just know that it’s OK; we’ve all done it. Happy growing!

Blaze: Wishing you lots of luck because I, for one, can’t even keep a cactus alive. There’s quite a lot to growing marijuana, but if you’re looking to grow marijuana, growing indoors is the easiest way to do that as it is the easiest way to control your plants’ living conditions. Depending on how many plants you want to grow, you’ll definitely need the right type of lighting, a hydro system, healthy soil, and perhaps even a tent.

You’ll want to start off with either seeds or clones and research the type of environment it’ll need to thrive. Once you get your seeds or clones, you’ll want to plant them and carefully water and feed them as over or under-watering, and feeding a cannabis plant (or any plant for that matter) is a great way to kill it.

I found out recently that I am eligible to get my medical marijuana card. How do I get my medical marijuana card and is it worth it?

Blaze: If you have one of the following ailments, you can qualify for a Colorado medical marijuana card:

Autism Spectrum Disorder AIDS
HIV
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Cachexia
Seizures
Muscle Spasms
Cancer
Glaucoma
Severe Nausea
Severe Pain

DGO August 2023 Page 23 Image 0001

If you fall under any of these categories, you’ll need to visit your health care provider, fill out an online application (you’ll have to pay a $25 fee), and submit it to the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment. Once you turn in your application, it’ll take anywhere from one to three business days. Once you’re approved, you’ll be able to access your card through your CDPHE account.

Puf: Well, well, well, look who’s ready to join the Colorado medical cannabis crew! Congratulations on discovering your eligibility for a magical, green card that grants you access to a whole new world of weed. No, seriously.

But there’s one thing you should know before you get started. You’re about to embark on an epic adventure through the bureaucratic labyrinth known as “the process.” It can be confusing and a bit overwhelming, but you’ve got us as your trusty guide!

To start, you’ll need a valid Colorado ID or driver’s license, proof of residency (because we can’t have out-of-state trolls in the stash), and of course, your medical records proving you have a qualifying condition. It’s like preparing for a canna-bis quest with paperwork armor. I mean, it’s not really, but maybe it’ll help to look at it that way.

You’ll also need to find yourself a marijuana-certified physician. These modern-day wizards will assess your medical history and decide if you’re worthy of the coveted card. Bonus points if they have a Gandalf-style beard.

Once you’ve been deemed worthy (i.e. a doctor signs off on your medical marijuana rec), it’s time to visit the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment. Embrace the feeling of being in a real-life video game as you fill out forms and pay the required fee. Cha-ching! It’s like leveling up, but in the real world.

And, after you’ve embarked on this epic adventure, the waiting game begins. Patience, young grasshopper, for it may take a few weeks to get your hands on the hallowed card. But trust us; it’s worth it.

With your Colorado medical marijuana card in hand, you gain access to a realm of top-notch dispensaries with an end-less array of strains, edibles, and other delights — and at much higher THC limits than you can get on the rec side. It’s like being a kid in a candy shop, except the candy is now herb-infused and the taxes you pay are much lower than you were when you were a lowly rec user.

So, my intrepid cannabis seeker, go forth and claim your Colorado medical marijuana card., and while there are a metric ton of steps to the process, just try to embrace the weird and wonderful journey you’re about to undertake, I’m a regular user of cannabis (basically using it on a daily basis at this point) and am going to have to do a drug test for a new job in a few weeks. How long will it take for marijuana to leave my system?

Puf: Ah, the cosmic conundrum of can-nabis clearance from your corporeal vessel. So here’s the deal: marijuana molecules are like laid-back hitchhikers on a wild road trip through your body. They’re just chillin’ in your system, enjoying the scenic routes, and having a blast.

So what happens when you need to rid ye old body of the good old THC? Well, the journey of THC and its buddies to exit your system is like a cosmic dance-off. It depends on several factors, including your metabolism, frequency of cannabis use, and the potency of the products you’ve been indulging in.

DGO August 2023 Page 24 Image 0001On average, THC can hang around for up to 30 days in frequent users, but there are ways to speed up the process. It can help to hydrate like a boss, exercise like you’re chasing a pizza delivery guy, and eat a diet that keeps your body in tip-top shape.

If you need to expedite the process, you can also consider investing in one of those nasty but occasionally effective drinks that are sold at sketchy outlets or online to help you pass drug tests, but man, it’s pretty much buyer beware with those. They’re costly and if you manage not to puke while choking it down? Well, I’ll be pretty darn impressed. But even if they’re gross, they can be worth a shot in a pinch.

In the end, remember that life is a trip, and while THC might be reluctant to leave your body, your journey toward that new job is probably worth the hassle. Stay positive, my cosmic friend, and may the drug test odds be ever in your favor!

Blaze: Unfortunately, there’s not a clear answer on this which sucks because I would also love to know! It can range from just a few days to a few weeks. The amount of time it stays in your system entirely depends on how often you ingest marijuana, the type of test you have to take, your metabolism, and the amount of body fat you have. It also can depend on how often you exercise because you burn more fat when you exercise regularly (the more body fat you have the longer THC stays in your system). Guess that means I better get to exercising!

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