How to drink on a night when everyone thinks they’re Pancho Villa, Irish, a Zombie or a Sexy Nurse?
I’m not really much of a fan of holidays in general, but I especially loathe drinking holidays: New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, Halloween. They’re holidays, but they’re drinking holidays, holidays where you’re expected to be on the edge of your worst behavior, rather than your best. And I think most people keep their shit together, but there’s always at least a handful of yelly bitches, bros who want to fight and people who puke or pass out or spill every drink they touch. Don’t do that. Don’t be one of those people.
There are a few simple ways to avoid these scenarios. One, just don’t go out. Drink your champagne at home. Watch the ball drop on TV while you sit on your couch. Spill your drink on your own carpet. Pick a fight with your significant other and yell at them in the privacy of your own home. Throw up on your kids in your own kitchen instead of on my shoes at the bar.
Staying in is actually a great idea. Things get super busy, wall to wall, shoulder to shoulder. You get lost from your people, people bump into you, spilling your drink. It’s easy to lose your cool if you don’t have a little patience. So if you must go out and are prone to punching people who bump into you while you’re trying to get a drink at The Ranch or for hitting on your date, then there’s a little chorus you should memorize:
Let it go, let it go
they spilled your drink
they’re talking to your bae,
but you don’t care, you’ll be just fine,
You didn’t need another Jaeger anyway.
An important lesson I’ve learned is to pace myself. You don’t want your date to be making out with a puke-faced toilet-hugger or make the person drag your limp body through the snow to a cab or your house. Remember to drink some water, eat a snack between dinner and midnight, and get plenty of fresh air by walking to another bar a few blocks away for your midnight kiss. I’m not really prone to puking, but I am prone to sleepy-time. So I like to get a coffee drink after dinner just to give me a little boost.
In the end, do what you gotta do to stay in the game, but there is no shame in calling it quits early. If you realize you can’t hang, throw in the towel and call a cab. It’s way better then getting kicked out of your favorite bar, puking on a stranger, getting a DUI or trying to drunkenly beat somebody up. You’ll be way less embarrassed the next day.
My favorite part of amateur night though is actually the next day, walking downtown to brunch. There’s a game I like to play called Hangover Bingo. There are a few pieces to it, but the first person to spot five things on the following list, wins Hangover Bingo:
Underwear on the street
Strangers asleep on your couch
A pile of vomit
A person obviously still in his or her clothes from the night before (double points if it’s you)
A car parked downtown with a parking ticket (double points if it’s you)
People doing shots at brunch
Catching your roommate’s random hookup sneaking out
Someone finishes The Cure from Durango Diner
Someone drinks more than one Deluxe Bloody Mary from Carvers
Lose your keys, phone or wallet (automatic Bingo if it’s you and you lose all three because brunch is on everybody else!)
See someone close last night’s tab today
All jokes aside, thanks for a great year, Durango. Despite all the stuff we’ve been through this year, it’s been the best in a long time.
Cheers, F.E.A.R., and S.H.R.E.D,
RAW
Robert Alan Wendeborn puts the bubbles in the beer at Ska Brewing Co. His first book of poetry, The Blank Target, was published this past spring by The Lettered Streets Press and is available at Maria’s Bookshop. [email protected]
