Love it or hate it: Oreos

by David Holub

Love itLet’s face it, if you’re eating chocolate chip cookies out of a package, you’re doing it wrong. Which is the same reason why Oreos are so amazing: They’re incredible straight from the package, AND it’s the only way to get them (do homemade Oreos exist, and if so, who/where is this food wizard making them?).

The beauty of the Oreo is that you’re always looking at the possibility of three cookies the 12-times-per-session your hand reaches into that sleeve of plastic: (1) the standard two cookies with crème; (2) two chocolate cookies, no crème; (3) one cookie with crème and one cookie plain (love!); or (4) if you’re a particular kind of freak, you could just lick the filling and toss the cookies.

Just how good are Oreos? They have their own ice cream. Somebody was sitting around and said, “You know what would make ice cream better?” (I mean, it’s ice cream. How can it get any better?) “Oreos!” Sure, we mix nuts and candy and other cookies into ice cream, but not in such a way that it became so standard, available wherever ice cream is sold, where people wanted Oreo ice cream so bad that they renamed it cookies ’n’ cream to avoid paying licensing fees.

But the very best thing is the invention of Mini Oreos. Why? Because (1) it’s fun to say you’ve eaten 36 Oreos; and (2) it’s magical to pretend they’re regular-sized Oreos and you’re a giant.

David HolubHate ItOreos may be as addictive as cocaine – to lab rats. I don’t want your damn coked-out cookies. I don’t like them, even if they are a 100-plus-year-old brand that food scientists have perfected to a 71 percent to 29 percent cookies-to-crème ratio.

I especially don’t like them knowing that there’s a built-in personality test when you eat them. Back in ’04, Kraft Foods did a survey of 2,000 Oreo-eaters. It found that if you dunk your Oreo, you are social and energetic; if you twist your cookie apart, you are more apt to be artistic and emotional; and if you bite your Oreos, you’re probably self-confident and optimistic. Keep your cookie fingers out of my GD brain, Oreo, please and thank you.

The only good thing about Oreos are the frikkin flavors I can’t have because they aren’t made in the U.S. Who has cool flavors? Asia. Japan gets a green tea ice cream flavor, Indonesia gets blueberry ice cream, and China has orange mango. What the hell? All we get is crap like banana split, candy corn, and cool mint. Blegh.

I don’t care if you are the world’s bestselling cookie, this mouth ain’t chewing any of that milk-dunked mush.

Patty Templeton


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