Love it or hate it: Thanksgiving gluttony

by David Holub

Love itI mean, what do you want to hear, that Thanksgiving is all about being grateful for friends, family, and the blessings we’ve received in our lives? I guess I could play along, but you and I both know it’s pretty much only about how much food you can continuously stuff in your face and how much drink you can pour down your gullet in one 24-hour period.

I’m so serious about stuffing my rotund face on Thanksgiving that I start planning the night before, eating a large meal late in the night so to stretch my stomach for the Thanksgiving morning breakfast bell.

I love heaping such large portions of sides onto my plate that one can no longer call them “sides.” I love eating one of the drumsticks as a warm-up for eating the other drumstick. I love taking the gravy boat and saying, “Looks like you made enough for me!” and then really pouring every last drop onto everything on my plate. I love getting to that point where you can’t imagine ever taking another bite of food, and then eating your way through it, defying all odds, wowing the crowd that has formed, finishing everything on my plate of thirds, then throwing my napkin bib into the air as I start preparing for evening leftovers.

— David HolubHate itIf you have a traditional Thanksgiving Day meal or Friendsgiving, whammo, reasonable eating is out the window. Most folks will eat 4,500 calories at their celebratory meal, and that ain’t counting dipping back in for leftovers later that night or what you had for breakfast. Signal the bloating and line for the bathroom, because here comes America’s most bourgeois foodie day.

Everyone has their splurge days, but Christ covered in canaries, Thanksgiving is so effing American. It isn’t a splurge day; it’s a tsunami of food where people eat past comfort because they can.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I loathe Thanksgiving Day gluttony because I also dislike Thanksgiving. It’s a holiday that celebrates mass slaughter of Indigenous Peoples and focuses less on gratitude than it does an overly full table. Maybe I’m just mad because though I have a family I love and friends I adore, I can rarely be near them on Thanksgiving. But maybe overeating on a weirdo American holiday is bullshit, too. So, hey, do what thou wilt, but I’m gonna have a balanced amount of mashed potatoes this Thanksgiving.

— Patty Templeton


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