Love it or hate it: Tobacco

by David Holub

Love ItFor a moment, put down your chicken-fried steak and bacon gravy, your 64-ounce stein of beer, your double-rack of pork belly nachos, your tallboy “energy” drinks, your chemical-laden cleaning products and toiletries. Disregard Fred Flintstone selling Winstons to young’ns or greedy, science-silencing capitalists deliberately misleading consumers in the name of profits, loyalties, and generational subjugation. I get it, this little weed has been demonized but is far from the only unhealthy thing we allow into our bodies or the only thing we voluntarily let kill us. Dare I say, like marijuana, this has more to do with people than a plant.

From a historic sense, with tobacco being America’s first cash crop, we owe much to this sustainable plant for the early viability of this country. And basically everyone in the world’s buzzy demand for it spurred the infancy of life-on-earth-changing global trade and the spread of information and technology that accompanied it (along with a bunch of diseases and suffering).

Tobacco is a plant that brings people together, fostering community, whether through Native American ceremonial purposes or through smokers standing outside the Ranch. And though there are many other options to induce contemplation, I like what Albert Einstein had to say: “I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgment in all human affairs.”

— David HolubHate ItHey rude-ass smokers who exhaled in my face while I recorded your stupid Moons Over My Hammy orders back in my waitress days, screw you and your effing cigarettes. Your GD diet pop ain’t gonna fix your greasy dinner or black lungs. Your $2 tip isn’t gonna fix the secondhand smoke exposure either.

Thank Eris, nonsmoking establishments have become a thing.

All you wiff-n-poofers out there can shove it. Think your Sherlock Holmes pipe is dignified? It expels a goat crap smell. Don’t argue that chewing is better. Your spit-cups smell like dumpster fluid and have apocalyptic spills.

I get pissed off at the aroma, the health cost, the environmental price, and the monetary expense of tobacco products. I’ve lost people to lung cancer. I’ve been owed money by people who can still afford a pack a day at $7-10/pack. I don’t like that 5.8 trillion cigarettes are smoked a year worldwide and that equates to about 2 billion pounds of cigarette butts. And oh my gawd, you bastards who smoke around books. YOU RUINERS OF CULTURE.

I don’t get it. Smoking turns you into a hacking, cancered-up, yellow-fingered, tooth-stained, wrinkly smell-tank who is more likely to die early. No and thanks.

— Patty Templeton


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