I am a 38-year-old gay man with a serious problem. My boyfriend of five years has developed a strange fascination. We’ve always watched porn together, but now he has been looking at straight porn and even lesbian porn (!!!) more and more often. More than once he has expressed an interest in having a MMF threesome – and he’s a self-proclaimed gold-star gay! This week, I discovered he had hidden a Fleshlight from me. I could tell he had used it. What is going on with him? On the other hand, we still have sex pretty frequently. He really gets off when I call his ass a “pussy,” which I’ll do to turn him on, but I find it pretty weird. He also tells me he gets off on the thought of the two of us fucking a woman together. This really seems bizarre! Could my beautiful bottom boy be turning bi? If he is, I don’t know how we can handle it.Guy Alarmed, Yeah, By Younger Boyfriend’s Interest
Turning bi? Unlikely.
Always was bi and only just realized it? Likelier.
Always was bi but identified as gay because (1) he prefers men as romantic partners and (2) the biphobia he encountered in gay male spaces/bedrooms/buttholes convinced him to stay closeted but he doesn’t want to live a lie anymore and he’s done hiding from the man he loves but instead of using his words and coming out to you like a grown-up, GAYBYBI, your boyfriend is letting you know he’s bi with his porn choices and a big push to make a MMF threesome sound like a sexy adventure you would both enjoy? Likeliest.
As for how to handle it, GAYBYBI, you’ll have to use your words: Ask your boyfriend if he’s bi. (Spoiler: He’s bi, bicurious, or so homoflexible he could tour with Cirque du Soleil.) If you’re not interested in having sex with women, tell him so. If being with you means he can never have sex with a woman, tell him so. And if you would never knowingly date a bi guy, tell him he deserves better.
A relationship question that doesn’t involve sex: Occasionally when two people live together, they bump into each other or one may get in the way of the other. Is it reasonable to be put off if rather than simply hearing “Excuse me” when you are inadvertently in someone’s way, the person trying to gain access says, “Do you have to stand there?”Just Seems Rude
People who are courteous to strangers (“Excuse me, can I squeeze past you?”) and contemptuous with intimate partners (“Do you have to stand there, you fucking dumbass?”) don’t value their partners and don’t deserve intimacy. People who are assholes to everyone don’t deserve intimacy either, of course, but they get points for being consistent.
I recently posted an online ad for a jack-off buddy. I got a response from a man who turned out to be a gorgeous, young Sri Lankan dude with a huge, beautiful uncut cock. Anyway, I was really looking forward to him jacking me off and vice versa. But when I arrived, he said he was only interested in me giving him a massage and then a handjob. Apparently, he’s a straight guy who wanted to experiment with men in a very limited way. Like I said, SUPER HOT, so I happily obliged. But after he came, I was really aching for release myself. But as I stated earlier, he made it clear he did not want to reciprocate. After we were finished, he indicated that he might hit me up again. Do you think I should continue with the massage and “happy ending” in hopes he will someday feel comfortable enough to reciprocate? Or should I just go ahead and find myself another jack-off buddy?Craving Uncut Masculine Sri Lankan
Another jack-off buddy? No, no. Additional jack-off buddy.
I recently spent a wonderful weekend with a young woman from out of town who identifies as queer and poly. Being the curious guy I am, I had her explain what these things meant to her. She went on to say that she is considering changing from poly to nonmonogamous. I find this confusing. I’m certainly nonmonogamous, but I’ve never thought of myself as poly. What is the difference?Confused Over Lines Inside Names
I would describe the difference as googleable, COLIN. But since you asked: A nonmonogamous person has sex with their partner and others; a poly person has or is open to having committed and concurrent romantic relationships. For one example: An ethically nonmonogamous woman fucks the boyfriend/husband she loves and other guys she doesn’t; a poly woman has two (or more) guys she both loves and fucks.
Dan Savage is a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist writing for The Stranger in Seattle. Contact him at [email protected] or @fakedansavage on Twitter and listen to his podcast every week at savagelovecast.com.
