I am a 24-year-old straight guy who recently broke up with my girlfriend of more than four years. One of the reasons we broke up was a general lack of sexually compatibility. She had a particular aversion to oral sex – both giving and receiving. I didn’t get a blowjob the whole time we were together. Which brings me to why I am writing: One of my closest friends, “Sam,” is a gay guy. Shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, I was discussing my lack of oral sex with Sam and he said he’d be willing to “help me out.” I agreed, and Sam gave me an earth-shattering blowjob. I was glad to get some and had no hang-ups about a guy sucking me. Since then, Sam has blown me three more times. My problem is I am starting to feel guilty and worry I am using Sam. He’s a very good buddy, and I’m concerned this lopsided sexual arrangement might be bad for our friendship. Sam knows I am not into guys and I’m never going to reciprocate, and I feel like this is probably not really fair to him. But these are literally the only blowjobs I’ve received since I was a teenager. What should I do?Totally Have Reservations Over Advantage Taking
Only one person knows how Sam feels about this “lopsided sexual arrangement,” THROAT, and it isn’t me – it’s Sam.
Zooming out for a second: People constantly ask me how the person they’re fucking or fisting or flogging feels about all the fucking or fisting or flogging they’re doing. Guys ask me why a woman ghosted them, and women ask me if their boyfriend is secretly gay. And while I’m perfectly happy to speculate, I’m not a mind reader. Which means I have no way of knowing for sure why that woman ghosted you or if your boyfriend is gay – or in your case, THROAT, how Sam feels about the four norecip blowjobs he’s given you.
Only Sam knows.
And that’s why I wrote you back, THROAT, and asked you for Sam’s contact information. Since you were clearly too afraid to ask Sam yourself (most likely for fear the blowjobs would stop), I offered to ask Sam on your behalf. I wasn’t serious – it was my way of saying, “You should really ask Sam.” But you sent me Sam’s contact info, and a few minutes later I was chatting with Sam.
“Yes, I have been sucking my straight friend’s cock,” Sam said to me. “And I am flattered he told you I was good at it. That’s an ego booster!”
Sam, like THROAT, is 24 years old. He grew up on the East Coast and met THROAT early in his first year at college. Sam came out at the end of his freshman year, to THROAT and his other friends, and he now lives in a big city where he works in marketing when he isn’t sucking off THROAT.
My first question for Sam: Is he one of those gay guys who get off on “servicing” straight guys?
“I’ve never done anything with a straight guy before this,” said Sam. “So, no, I’m not someone who is ‘into servicing straight guys.’ I have only ever dated and hooked up with gay guys before!”
So why offer to blow THROAT?
“I didn’t know until after he broke up with his girlfriend that he hadn’t gotten a blowjob the whole time they were together – four years!” Sam said. “When I told him I’d be happy to help him out, I was joking. I swear I wasn’t making a pass at my straight friend! But there was this long pause, and then he got serious and said he’d be into it. I wondered for a minute if it would be weird for me to blow my friend, and there was definitely a bit of convincing each other that we were serious. When he started taking his clothes off, I thought, ‘So this is going to happen.’ It was not awkward after. We even started joking about it right away. I have sucked him off four more times since then.”
For those of you keeping score at home: Either THROAT lost count of the number of times Sam has blown him – THROAT said Sam has blown him three more times after that first blowjob – or THROAT got a fifth blowjob in the short amount of time that elapsed between sending me his letter and putting me in touch with Sam.
So does this lopsided sexual arrangement – blowing a straight boy who’s never going to blow him – bother Sam?
“I suppose it is a ‘lopsided sexual arrangement,’” said Sam. “But I don’t mind. I really like sucking dick and I’m really enjoying sucking his dick. He has a really nice dick! And from my perspective, we’re both having fun. And, yes, I’ve jacked off thinking about it after each time I sucked him. I know – now – that he thinks it is a bit unfair to me. But I don’t feel that way at all.”
So there is something in it for Sam. You get the blowjobs, THROAT, and Sam gets the spank-bankable memories. And Sam assumes that at some point, memories are all he’ll have.
“He will eventually get into a relationship with a woman again, and our arrangement will end,” said Sam. “I only hope nothing is weird between us in the future because of what has happened in the past few weeks.”
I had one last question: Sam is really good at sucking cock – he gives “earth-shattering” blowjobs – but is THROAT any good at getting his cock sucked? As all experienced cocksuckers know, a person can suck at getting their cock sucked: They can just lay/stand/sit there, giving you no feedback, or be too pushy or not pushy enough, etc.
“That’s a really good question,” Sam said. “I have to say, he is very good at it. He really gets into it, he moans, he talks about how good it feels, and he lasts a long time. That’s part of what makes sucking his cock so much fun.”
I’m a straight guy in a LTR with a bi woman. We recently had a threesome with a bi male acquaintance. We made it clear that I’m not into guys and that she was going to be the center of attention. He said he was fine with this. A little bit into us hooking up, he said he wanted to suck my dick. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but my girlfriend encouraged it because she thought it was hot. I ended up saying yes, but I stated that I didn’t want to reciprocate. A bit later, while my girlfriend was sucking his dick, he said he wanted me to join her. I said no, he kept badgering me to do it, I kept saying no, and then he physically tried to shove my head down toward his crotch. My girlfriend and I both got pissed and said he had to leave. Now he’s bitching to our mutual friends about how I had an insecure straight-boy freak-out, he didn’t get to come after we both got ours, we’re shitty selfish fetishists, and so on. I’m concerned about what our friends think of me, but even more so, I’m concerned that I did a shitty thing. I get that maybe he was hoping I’d change my mind, especially after I changed my mind about him sucking my dick. But I don’t think it’s fair for him to be angry that I didn’t. Is oral reciprocation so necessary that it doesn’t matter that we agreed in advance that I would not be blowing him?Not One To Be Inconsiderate
You did nothing wrong. And if after hearing your side of the story, NOTBI, your mutual friends side with a person who pressured you to do something you were clear about not wanting to do and then, after you restated your opposition to performing said act, pressured you to perform the act – by physically forcing your head down to his cock – you can solve the “mutual friends” problem by cutting these so-called friends out of your life.
Dan Savage is a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist writing for The Stranger in Seattle. Contact him at [email protected] or @fakedansavage on Twitter and listen to his podcast every week at savagelovecast.com.