Want to know my new life motto? Sure you do. Here goes. “When life hands you lemons, chuck them out the window at some bears or something and smoke Melonade instead.”
Hate that? Yeah, me too, but the other option was, “I’ve got big balls,” which would have been an ode to the giant nugs of Melonade, the strain we’re reviewing this week from Prohibition Herb. This strain, an indica hybrid created by crossing Tahoe and Grandiflora, is new on Prohibition’s shelves, and the batch we picked up was amazing and baffling at the same time.
Baffling how, you ask? Well, have you ever seen an eighth of weed with nugs so fat and full that only FOUR of them fit in the container? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you haven’t. I certainly hadn’t – not prior to this review, anyway – and I review the stuff for a living. But that’s precisely what happened with this batch of weed. I opened the canister and this strain exposed its giant freaking balls.
I’m not kidding you, either. These things were so massive that I felt the need to send photos of them to at least five people with a crass tagline or two thrown in the mix. No one even bitched about my dumb ball puns, either. The texts I got back were just responses like, “Holy shit those things are huge,” or “Why does the worst person on earth have the best job.” Jealousy is an ugly beast.
By the way, those giant balls o’ cannabis weren’t the only trick Melonade had up its sleeve, either. I was also impressed by how light and airy each bud felt as I manhandled it for a photo. I guess I expected the fat-ass nugs to be sticky and heavy, but they weren’t. They were like little balls of cotton candy, if cotton candy could get you stoned as a motherfucker.
And boy, did this strain get me stoned. Right after I managed to balance the giant nugs balanced on top of each other for their photo debut – a feat more difficult than it sounds – I tore one apart with my hands, grinder be damned, and stuck it in a bong. It lit right up and stayed lit nearly the entire time I was smoking it. Unusual for me.
Unsurprisingly, though, I also stayed lit the entire time (or pretty much from the first inhale). While Melonade may have the least offensive name on the planet, it’s a real kick in the stoned nuts in terms of potency. One bowl and I was down for the goddang count, my eyes at half-mast and my mouth full of what had to be invisible sand. Like, for real. My freaking mouth was so dry that it felt like it was full of sandpaper or something.
Luckily, it was nothing that a giant Topo Chico couldn’t remedy. What that mineral water couldn’t remedy, though, was the bottomless pit my stomach morphed into after a bowl of Melonade. I ate every damn thing in sight after I finally felt my way to the kitchen via the walls. I would have used my eyes, but at that point the jerks were refusing to cooperate and wanted to close instead. I don’t know what their problem was. /shrug
And, those stupid eyes got their way shortly thereafter. Once I’d shoved every carb in my pantry down my gullet my eyelids sank even further into oblivion and I was done for. Slept like a freaking baby, if a baby could find its way to a bong, eat a ton of food, open and drink Topo Chico, and then pass out in their clothes on top of the covers.
Listen. This will come as no surprise to you, I’m sure, but I have learned from this review that it takes exactly two things to impress me: big balls and lots of THC. Between the giant balls and the stoned-to-high-crotch effects, Melonade is such a damn winner in my twisted book. This one is staying in rotation on my shelf.