Last month’s September issue of DGO Mag had Part I of the sexual mechanics of sex. Go back and read it!
To refresh your memory, I had heard from a follower asking why no one ever talks about the mechanics of sex—the actual how to do “it” teachings. So I wrote a couple of columns telling you how to have sex.
Last month I touched on the type of sex, what the “goals” are, and why. This column will focus on who is involved based on their genitalia with a strong caveat that sex is not only about genitals, and the typical binary (male/female) associated with bodies is narrow and unhelpful when it comes to having great sex.
Remember, depending on how your genitals function, there are many ways to use them during many different types of sex. The kinds of sex you are having should be connected to why you are having sex.
Many people are not going to have an orgasm from penetrative sex. If the why is to have an orgasm, then the type of sex may change to oral sex, anal play, fingering, toys, mutual masturbation, bondage, role-playing, or whatever will result in the why.
Vulva owners have the most nerve endings in the clitoris. The clitoris is mistaken as only consisting of the clitoral head at the top of the vulva, often peeking out from under the clitoral hood. The clitoris, however, is much bigger and has bulbs and legs that extend down from the clitoral head. These bulbs and legs are behind the labia and expand during arousal, puffing up the whole labia. Yes, the clitoral head has the most nerve endings and, if attended to correctly, can lead to a clitoral orgasm.
It is vital that the owner of the clitoris and the lovers stimulating it discuss what feels good. Sometimes it is a lot of pressure and fast movement from a finger or a vibrating toy. Sometimes it is sucking with the mouth and flicking with the tongue. Some folks may even enjoy a light nibble with teeth or pinching with fingers.
Do not assume that what feels good for one clitoris works on a different clitoris (also accurate for all genitals). Vulva owners need to practice masturbation to find out what works on their body in order to communicate it to their lovers.
Who has an anus? Raise your hand! The anus and the perineum, too, love to be touched and fucked. Yes, I know the poo comes out of the anus but don’t be afraid! Whether you are going for full penetration or some rimming, you can avoid the mess.
Before diving deep into the anus (ha!), let me type this in all caps so you know I mean business, ANAL AND
PERINEUM PLAY NEED LOTS OF AWESOME LUBE. The use of lube is essential for all areas of the genitals because the skin is thinner and more delicate than other areas of our body. Lube helps prevent tearing and pain during sex. BUY LUBE NOW!
Whoever will be receiving the anal sex/play should take a moment to clean themselves, which can look like a shower, a good wiping of the area, and for some, maybe an enema. Lovers can also use gloves, dental dams, and condoms to protect themselves during anal sex/play. Using protection is sexy as fuck!
The nerve endings in the anus aren’t very deep, so penetration isn’t necessary to enjoy this type of sex.
Folks who have a prostate stimulation through anal penetration with a dildo or penis can feel amazing and intensify orgasms. You can also stimulate the prostate by applying pressure to the perineum.
For bodies without a prostrate, this area is still full of nerve endings and pressure points that feel excellent when touched, massaged, licked, stroked, etc. For vagina owners using butt plugs while inserting a dildo, vibrator, or penis into the vagina can feel amazingly full and help trigger deeper body orgasms like the ones experienced from a g-spot (or the mythical? c-spot).
If you have a penis, chances are you want to stick it in a hole. The glans or head of the penis has the most nerve endings, but the entire shaft also has nerves running throughout. Applying pressure to the entirety of the penis can be met through penetrative oral sex, anal sex, or vaginal sex.
Hands or specific toys can also provide the encompassing and pressure needed to feel good on the penis.
Directing stimulation to the head of the penis and stimulating all those sensitive nerve endings can meet the need for orgasm. Tongues and fingers work well in this instance.
The most important thing to know as a penis owner is that penetration may feel good to you but not for your lovers, so make sure that you are not only mimicking bad porn and ramming your penis into a hole until you ejaculate.
If this is your preferred method of having sex, then you are doing yourself a disservice too. Your penis is missing out on different types of stimulation and extended pleasure.
On a final note, a penis does not need to be erect to feel pleasure. Penis owners need to practice masturbation to find out what works on their body in order to communicate it to their lovers.
I want to emphasize, why are you having sex? Are you connecting with your lovers for comfort? Release?
Fun? Orgasms? Intimacy? I mention orgasms a few times, and not everyone is chasing an orgasm. Our largest sex organ is our skin directly linked to our brain, the next largest sex organ, and loving touch can be more intense than an orgasm.
Homework: Use LUBE and ask for consent!
Erin Brandt (she/her/hers) has been a sexologist for 15 years. When she’s not spreading sexual knowledge, Erin can be found learning from her child, hiking with her partner, cuddling with her pitbull, knitting with her cat, dancing with friends, and searching for the nearest hammock and ocean breeze. Want more? Visit www.positivesexed.com
