A two-for-one sex and relationships column deal

by Erin Brandt

Did you know that there is likely voting to be done this November 2nd? There may even be special elections that don’t fall into the typical election schedule for some of you. Do you know how to find out if your local school board is having elections? City council? County? State legislative races? If you think these “smaller” races aren’t imperative, may I point you to school districts that are fighting to protect kids and some states eroding voter protections and attacking women’s bodies?

For those of you lucky enough to be registered voters in Colorado, the ballot comes to you. It arrives in your mailbox with instructions on filling it out, when to mail it back by, or where to drop it off. If your state does not have mail-in ballots as the norm, you’ll need to know your voting location and when you can vote in person.
You can search for this info on this handy-dandy website: https://www.usa.gov/election- office

Specifically, the Durango 9-R school district has a school board election this November, and it has gotten exciting! We have a whole pile of candidates to choose from, and I encourage you to take some time to learn about who is running and how they may affect local decisions on schooling. Ballots drop the week of
October 11th, so keep an eye on your mailbox and don’t put your vote in a pile on the counter; take some time to sit down and fill it out.

Every election matters, no matter how “small.”

PS – I’m voting for Erica Brown because she’s a badass committed to helping youth succeed, and she doesn’t back down from the hard work and fraught issues we are all grappling with nowadays. We can vote for the other open seats, too, so be sure to know who the candidates are and fill out the ballot fully. ——————————————– ———————————————– ——

I heard from a follower asking why no one ever talks about the mechanics of sex—the actual how to do “it” teachings. So here I am in your monthly space telling you how to have sex. Ha!

Yes, there are basic mechanics to having sex, but first, there needs to be an understanding of the type of sex, who is involved, what the “goals” are, and why. This column is the first of a two-part series on sexual mechanics. Be sure to pick up the October issue of DGO Mag for Part II!

But isn’t sex just sex?

Yeah, sure, if you are a white, cisgender, heterosexual male, then the cultural bias and typical sex in movies, books, magazines, etc., is a penis rammed into a vagina.

How boring! And also so f!cking exclusionary. The world is a breathtaking mix of NON-white, cisgender, heterosexual men. Even people whose identities fall into that category want more diverse sexual interactions (trust me, they do!).

I encourage using the whole body during sex. Sync your breathing with your lovers. Explore erogenous zones:

– Ears

– Behind the knees

– Chest

– Feet

– Hands

– Thighs

– Nipples

– Anything not the genitals (we’ll get to genitals in Part II)

Talk about how you want to touch your lovers. Ask how they want to be touched. Get and give consent! Incorporate tools that help heighten the senses like music (or spanking) for sound, essential oils or your natural musk for smell, delectable silky sheets or nipple clamps for touch, and experiment with lighting for sight. Sex in the dark is expected; try turning the lights on instead.

Why are you having sex? Are you connecting with your lovers for comfort? Release? Fun? Orgasms?
Intimacy? You don’t need a strategic plan before having sex, but knowing what you want at the moment can help clear away some of the stress, tension, and interrupting thoughts during sex. Ask for what you want and listen to what your lovers desire so that the experience is pleasurable for everyone involved.

Examples:

– “Do you want me to use more pressure when I touch your nipples/clit/ penis/testicles/perineum?”

– “Can I run an ice cube over your nipples and then warm them with my mouth?”

– “Want to play a game of naked hide-and-seek?”

– “I like this position because it stimulates my prostate/g-spot/penis/clitoris just right.”

– “I read about syncing our breathing as a form of intimacy. Want to try?”

– “Let’s finger paint on our bodies!” (Don’t own edible paint? Chocolate syrup and whip cream work.)

– “I want to be held close. Can we adjust the air conditioning/open all the windows so we can cuddle all night without overheating?”

An aside: Kissing is an art, and it takes practice. So practice! Make out fully clothed and figure out how you like to kiss and how you want to kiss your lovers. Some people are tongueheavy, meaning they can’t wait to stuff their tongue down your throat. Others like gentle, small kisses that wander from your mouth to your neck and ears. Still, others like a mix of both.

Some tips:

– Take a breath and swallow. No one wants spit running down their face.

– Try different speeds and pressure with the tongue and lips.

– The goal is not to eat your lovers but to taste your lovers. There is a difference.

– If you feel lost or it isn’t working, stop and talk. Ask questions. Clarify what you like and don’t like.

– Keep practicing!

There are many ways to use your body during many different types of sex. The kinds of sex you are having should be connected to why you are having sex. Many people are not going to have an orgasm from penetrative sex. If the why is to have an orgasm, then the type of sex may change to oral sex, anal play, fingering, toys, mutual masturbation, bondage, or role-playing. If the why is to have fun and release some tension, you may be finding more playful ways to be together, and laughter releases a lot of pressure. If the why is intimacy, being vulnerable together by stripping away the layers that protect us from the world, i.e., clothes; mental and emotional distance; unrealistic body image standards; avoidance of change, challenges, facing fears; etc. When we are trust and respect lovers, intimacy can increase.

If you are flying solo, sex with yourself should be as dynamic and exciting as with lovers. Don’t get stuck in a rut with your pleasure. Experiment with different locations, expand your sensory experience, and never stop exploring your body.

Lovers need to communicate to achieve next-level sexual experiences together. No one can read your mind, so speak up. Don’t be shy about asking for what you need and why you need it.

Remember, we’ll be diving into genitals for Sexual Mechanics Part II next month, so don’t miss the October issue!

Erin Brandt (she/her/hers) has been a sexologist for 15 years. When she’s not spreading sexual knowledge, Erin can be found learning from her child, hiking with her partner, cuddling with her pitbull, knitting with her cat, dancing with friends, and searching for the nearest hammock and ocean breeze. Want more? Visit www. positivesexed.com

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