Wind chimes

by Patty Templeton

Love itIn “The Innocence of Father Brown,” G.K. Chesterton wrote, “I never said it was always wrong to enter Fairyland, I only said it was always dangerous.”

I bring this up because we are all allowed to damn well believe what we want, and I choose to believe that it would be rather marvelous to stumble into a dangerous Fairyland and make French eyes at Queen Mab, rather than, ya know, deal with real life and making a living.

All of this is to say that there are two accepted entrances into Fairyland. One is stumbling in on accident and not realizing you’re there until you piss off a dryad or other local. The second is to have a spell put on you and be brought into Fairyland. Being as I’m far too organized and sober to stumble anywhere, I need to find a spell that will take me there – but I cannot put that spell on myself.

Hence, the wind chimes.

There’s something enchanting about wind chimes. There’s a mesmerizing element to their sonic jousting and ever-long argument with the Anemoi. It is reasonable to think that were I to be intoxicated into another world, it could very feasibly occur under the influence of wind chimes and the witching hour.

Patty TempletonHate itFirst, let’s discuss the wind, the unanimously worst weather occurrence on Earth. It messes up your hair, disorganizes your papers, blows down your trees, and frightens your dogs. Save for kites, there is nothing good about wind. Let us all agree.

But if wind weren’t terrible enough, someone had to invent a way for wind to be even more obnoxious. Enter wind chimes, which are kind of like windmills, but instead of producing electricity or pumping water, they just knock into one another like idiots. I get it! It’s windy! Clanks for the reminder.

I can only imagine what was going through the mind of the person who invented wind chimes:

You know what would be great to go along with a viscous wind storm? Clanging.

I love the sound of the xylophone, but instead of being played by a skilled musician, let’s leave it to the dumb ol’ haphazard wind.

We really need a new way to get neighbors to annoy each other.

So, thanks, wind chimes, for managing to make the intolerable wind make me wish I’d never been born.

David Holub


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