A holiday eggnog taste test showdown by an eggnog hater

by Amanda Push

It’s the eggnoggiest season of allllllllllll. Sorry. We can’t sing, but we’re still excited to try the holidayiest drink of them all: eggnog, aka milk punch. For real though, that’s what Wikipedia calls it, but have you ever actually heard a person call it milk punch? Didn’t think so. We vote to officially change eggnog’s name to milk punch. Anyway, we digress.

We scanned the grocery store shelves for all types of eggnog – soy, old style, almond, classic, you name it. We’re particularly excited about this taste test showdown as our taste tester, well, doesn’t feel like she needs to drink it ever again, especially after this.

Drink up me hearties! Here’s our expert opinion on the various eggnogs the world, all of which will come to a clash.

Kroger Egg Nog

Amanda: I hate that eggnog is yellow. I don’t care what anyone says, milk should not be yellow. I will say, though, that Kroger’s eggnog is not bad – coming from someone who does not enjoy eggnog. It’s very smooth but maybe a bit overly sweet. It doesn’t have that sharp aftertaste that I expect eggnog to have. It’s a little too sweet to have very much of, but overall, it’s a decent glass of eggnog.

Meadow Gold Egg Nog

Amanda: I gotta say, not a great follow up to the Kroger eggnog. It had more of a sour taste with a hint of the subtlest of spice, which I did not enjoy. Still, it had a really nice, thick texture to it and wasn’t as sickeningly sweet as Kroger’s.

Almond Breeze Almondmilk nog

Amanda: Ahhh, just what I’m looking for in a holiday drink: lactose, soy, and gluten-free. It’s a much thinner consistency than the others which I don’t care for, but what it lacked in thickness it made up for in flavor. If you don’t like the flavor of eggnog, this might be a good alternative. It’s a bit watery, as expected with almond milk, but the flavor isn’t overwhelming or sharp. It’s more subtle and cinnamon-y.

Silk Dairy-Free Soy Nog

Amanda: Somehow, this shit is even more watery looking than the almond milk nog and unfortunately, unlike the almond milk, this was not saved by the flavor. I would rather drink real eggnog than this junk. It’s way too sour and frankly, I don’t have words for how much I didn’t like this. If you’re looking for something dairy free, gluten-free, and cholesterol-free, I hope you have the strength to choke this down.

Meadow Gold Old Style Egg Nog

Amanda: Ah, this is the eggnog of my childhood that I loathed, which now, as an adult, I don’t mind as much, probably because my taste buds have been annihilated by booze. It’s thick, creamy, and displays just enough spice at the end. Brings me back to the days when I gagged this down at the kitchen table.

Amanda Push


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