A stoner’s guide to New Year’s resolutions

by DGO Staff

It’s time to get serious about self-improvement in 2023 (or at least learn how to roll a dang joint, Napoleon!)

It’s almost that time of year again. Whether or not you want to, you’re about to start hearing from all the annoying people you know about their dang New Year’s resolutions. And what’s worse is that you’ll be expected to reciprocate with your own New Year’s resolutions, which you never actually follow through on. It’s a thing, you know.

But this year, maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe instead of mocking them for not following through with their unrealistic ideas (and then feeling terrible about your own lack of follow-through), you can create a list of realistic stoner resolutions that you can actually follow through with instead. Wild idea, huh.

And not only will that prove you’re on top of things, but you get to be the annoying person for once who’s badgering everyone else about THEIR resolutions! It’s a win-win.

Resolution #1: Rolling the perfect joint

This one seems like smoking weed 101, but it’s not. Rolling joints is hard, and there’s a good chance that the joints you’re rolling are pretty lopsided and lame. In fact, we’re guilty of rolling pretty terrible joints ourselves. Somehow all we can roll are cones.

So why not spend the coming year learning how to roll the best joints possible? Maybe with enough practice, you can be one of those people who can roll an incredible one-handed joint. This is a super cheap resolution (a whole lot cheaper than a gym membership, anyway), and it’s one that you can work on while watching TV. Just buy a pack of papers, roll, and repeat.

Use the same weed for every practice joint, and when you get to your last paper, and hopefully your best joint, you can reward yourself by sparking it up.

The only downside to being an excellent joint roller is you become a target to roll all the joints for your lazy-ass friends. They’ll hit you with the old “but you roll them better than I can” business. Maybe this is a good one to keep to yourself so you won’t be the one in your friend group that rolls up joints that look like the perfect pre-rolled joints at your favorite dispensary.

Resolution #2: Create the best playlist for getting ripped

Music is powerful. Music is a drug. So why not combine music and weed with a perfectly curated playlist to take you on that journey?

It’s never fun having to hunt for one song after another when you’re stoned, especially when you’re just trying to enjoy yourself. So, if you take the time to make a playlist that includes all your favorites will help make your ride so much more relaxed and fun.

If you are smoking an indica, create a playlist that’s a little slower, one that lets you sink into the couch or that super comfy chair in the living room.

If you’re smoking a sativa, create an upbeat playlist that makes you want to move around and get stuff done.

And, feel free to get crafty with it if you’re smoking a hybrid. Maybe choose a few upbeat songs for the first few, followed by slower ones that will hit when you start feeling the effects of that perfectly rolled joint you learned how to roll.

Resolution #3: Learn to make your own edibles

We all love edibles, although some of us love them more than others. So what could be better than spending a little time at the start of the new year learning how to make the perfect edible? There are tons of resources available online, and plenty of books cover how to make pretty much any kind of edible you crave.

Maybe you like peanut butter cookies with M&M’s but have never seen any infused ones for sale in your area. This is the perfect opportunity to come up with the best recipe and impress all your friends with your perfect cookies.

Maybe gummies are your thing, and you found the coolest T-rex mold on eBay that you’ve been dying to use. Why not do your part to bring the dinosaurs back from extinction with your own homemade gummies?

Resolution #4: Learn to grow your own weed

Have you toyed around with the idea of seeing how green your thumb actually is? Well, 2023 is the perfect time to test it out. But wait. Quick disclaimer: You will need some supplies to get this going, and it definitely isn’t the cheapest resolution, so make sure you’re well aware of that first. However, it might be the most rewarding.

Anyway, for starters, you are going to need a dedicated grow area with a grow light. Depending on the growing space’s temperature and humidity, you will also need climate control gear — fans, ACs, heaters, or dehumidifiers. To round it out, you will need some seeds, soil, and containers for your plants.

You can find many tips for growing online that will help you produce the best possible flower. Your first tries at it might not be the most successful, but with time, practice, and patience, you should be on your way to growing some great buds.

Just remember to brush up on the grow laws where you are at. Colorado allows up to six plants per person 21 and older, and up to three flowering at one time. But you should also remember that counties and municipalities can pass stricter laws. For instance, Denver limits home growing to 12 plants in a residence, even if there are three or more adults over the age of 21.

And, marijuana plants must be kept in an enclosed, locked area that can’t be viewed openly. This means the plants can’t be outside.

In homes with residents under 21, any marijuana grow area must be enclosed and locked in a separate space that minors can’t access. Extra precautions must be taken at homes without residents under 21 to ensure any visiting youth don’t have access to marijuana plants. And don’t forget that none of your home-grown can be sold, so don’t even try it.

Resolution #5: Take a tolerance break

We know that taking a tolerance break sounds like the most challenging solution you could possibly think of, but it can also be incredibly rewarding if you can make it through. After all, it is way too easy to end up with tolerance that’s through the roof if you are constantly partaking alone or with your friends.

Giving your body a break and allowing for a reset will bring your tolerance levels back down, and it will save you a little money while you’re on your break. Pick how long you want your break to be and stick with it. Don’t be unrealistic, though; pick a number you know you can achieve. And don’t pick anything less than a week because that short of a break is not going to do you any good. If you go 2-4 weeks, you will feel like that reset did you well and will feel the goodness of getting super high again.

The idea behind these resolutions is to help you get started on a new you in 2023. If none of these hit home, get stoned and think of what you can do to make your year-in-cannabis more productive or more in line with how you want to live. Good luck, and happy New Year!

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