It’s a fair question to ask at this point if our future is headed toward the plot of a Margaret Atwood or George Orwell novel. Or, maybe we’re already there and are just still in denial about it. Gah, let’s not think about it too much. From your smart devices listening to your conversations to constant subliminal messaging, it’s a wonder we all haven’t run screaming into the woods to live a full-bearded life (men and women) with no electronics while far, far away from the reach of the government.
Unfortunately, in these dystopian future scenarios of our nightmares, alcohol seems to be the key to finding yourself chained up in a dark room praying the sin away until The New World Order guards decide your soul has been cleansed as good as it’s gonna get, and then take you to a hard labor camp where you’ll live out the rest of your short life. So, take advantage of the bottles holed up in your cupboard or maybe even in your hand right now before it’s too late, and follow this drinking guide of saying “f u” to the establishment like a good, cynical adult. Bottoms up!
Cocktails inspired by Trump’s comboverNot all of the decisions Donald Trump makes are terrible. No matter your side of the political party tape, you can’t disagree that whatever dead animal is on his head is one helluva combover. Sorry, can’t say that with a straight face. A compliment and the word “combover” don’t belong in the same sentence and, frankly, neither does Trump. Thank Zuul the Internet is rife with drink recipes in honor of his hairdo – a favorite being a cocktail with a flaming orange over green-colored liquor. So show some damn respect and salute our fearless leader with a glass full of the most bougie liquor in the most expensive, fancy dollar store glass you can find. He is a Trump, after all!
Drinks to remind you that global warming is going to kill us anywayYou can pull your hair out as much as you like about all the terrible things going on in the world, but no matter your race, gender, socioeconomic status, political party, or opinion on pumpkin spice, Mother Nature is comin’ for us all via giant, people-eating plants engineered by nature to set the balance right again. So find some delicious, blue liquor, shove a bunch of green leaves in it, and set it on fire to hammer the point home.
Thirst quenchers for when the misogyny gets too realRemember how our current president was recorded bragging about sexually assaulting women? Remember when a former president got caught having a relationship with a White House aide and she became a social pariah? Remember how we now have two supreme court justices who have been accused by multiple women of sexual misconduct as well as rape? SIGH…we don’t want to remember either, so just chug something strong for this one, preferably Everclear.
A beer, because you’re being watched, alwaysSee that camera at the top of your phone/tablet/laptop/desktop? Smile and wave, cuz you’re being watched by The Man. We’ve all already signed our souls away to the corporations that run this country, or the world really, so you might as well just sit back and sip a cold one. Perhaps a Canadian beer, since you’re thinking about moving there anyway.
Facts, schmacts, shotsNowadays, thanks to our favorite counselor to the president, lies aren’t lies anymore. Nerp. They’re what we, well not WE, but Kellyanne Conway, like to call alternative facts. In honor of that, hand someone dear to you a virgin version of their favorite mixed drink. Perhaps a Bloody Mary or mojito. When they inevitably get upset at the deception, just explain that it’s an alternative alcohol and not to think about it too much. Just keep sippin’ that proverbial Kool-Aid.
Booze for all the book deals former White House employees are gettingJames Comey. Sean Spicer. Anthony Scaramucci. Omarosa Manigault Newman. H.R. McMaster. It appears these days all it takes to get a book deal is to make some poor/ethically cringey career decisions. Or just have a shitty boss. Don’t get fancy on this one. Just stab the side of a can and shotgun the shit out of those leaks.
Libations for the liesRemember how the government told us we were DEFINITELY winning in Vietnam? The invasion of Iraq? The National Security Agency that TOTALLY doesn’t spy on millions of Americans? Shake some vodka and heavy cream together for a White Russian, cuz there definitely ain’t no shady shit going on over there. Sprinkle some bitters in there, too. This one should be hard to swallow.
— Amanda Push