I’ll be upfront with y’all: I do not enjoy edibles. Most of my past experiences with these pot-packed snacks include me believing that the ground was moving under me at a Mumford and Sons concert, spewing garbled nonsense in a car full of people like I was possessed by a demon, and feeling so heavy that I couldn’t move from my armchair for hours – even when my roommate hauled heavy boxes from her car into the apartment.
Though I realize most people don’t feel as I do about these guys, and edibles are a pretty popular means to get the job done, it is for these reasons that I very reluctantly agreed to not only ingest a weed-filled chocolate bar, but also write about it.
On this week’s menu was infused chocolate from incredibles, an edibles company out of Denver. I went for the gluten-free Vanilla Affogato bar, with a hearty mix of white chocolate, espresso beans, caramel swirls, and 200 mg of THC (which is NOT the serving size).
Because I am a baby when it comes to edibles (on top of being a lightweight), I broke off a small section of the bar, took a deep breath, and took a bite. Pot-infused foods will always taste a little off to me, but the chocolate was about as delicious as I had hoped it’d be. It had a bit of a grainy texture, which I thought was nicely balanced out by the crunchy espresso beans. Who am I kidding? I’m never going to diss a piece of chocolate filled with espresso.
Then it was time to wait.
I went ahead and made myself comfortable on the couch. Across the couch was my friend, already on her own mindless journey after smoking a bowl. Our favorite trash TV show – Teen Mom – set the mood perfectly.
After about an hour, however, I turned to my friend. “This isn’t working. I don’t feel anything.”
She frowned and asked if I’d taken enough, but I shook my head. This wasn’t my first rodeo by any means when it came to these little bastards – you take a little chunk, get frustrated when it hasn’t kicked in when you think it should be kicking in, and so you take more – and before you know it you can’t get off the floor because the seams of the galaxy have just ripped open in your living room and if you get up you’ll be sucked into oblivion. No, ma’am!
I decided to take this shit show to my room where, when I inevitably felt the effects, I could be miserably stoned-drunk without completely making a fool of myself. This turned out to be an excellent idea, because as I was laying on the floor like an adult drifting off as I listened to a podcast, it hit me – that drunk, head-spinning feeling where my noggin feels like it weighs as much as a giant dumbbell full of liquid sloshing around my brain. This is the feeling I loathe.
I instantly found myself struggling to understand what anyone on the podcast was talking about, but believe me, it wasn’t rocket science. I kept scrolling back through the conversations until I gave up trying to understand the quote they said that I liked so much. Eventually, as it always does, sleep found me, and I crashed into it like a bike to a brick wall.
In short, edible candy bars ain’t my jam, but they could be yours. Maybe you like that dizzyingly plastered feeling right before you hit the hay and, let me tell you, it doesn’t matter that this has espresso in it. This stuff will knock you right out when you’re ready to clock out for the night.
Sir Blaze Ridcully