Love it or hate it: Eggs

by Jessie O’Brien

Love it The only time I dislike an egg is when I get one with the scary blood spot in the yoke. Other than that, eggs are good in all other forms – poached, hard boiled, scrambled, sunny side up, over medium, or over hard. They are versatile. They are a healthy source of protein. They can be dyed.

Without eggs, there would be no money shot in food porn videos. Eggs are the Dirk Diggler of food porn. A natural-born star with natural gifts. Without eggs, only boring, static scenes of poutine would exist versus shots of forks sensually penetrating voluptuous yokes to coat entire fry baskets in their velvet texture. Most people are willing to pay a subscription for this level of professionalism.

Eggs are best when they are farm fresh. They are much smaller than the monsters (those poor hens) you find at the grocery store, but what they lack in size they make up for in taste. Farm-fresh eggs are so delicious, I make it a point to move next door to people with chicken coups. Yes, eggs are so eggcellent they’ve become a household pun.

Long live the incredible, edible egg!

— Jessie O’BrienHate itI try to like eggs. I really do. I’ve bought into the “incredible, edible eggs” propaganda, but even knowing the egg’s all-encompassing powers, I still cannot force myself to eat them. My body, mainly my mouth and brain, will not comply.

I know they’re useful for things like baking or uh, hair treatments, but that doesn’t mean I advocate for eating them in anything but desserts. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to smell them. I don’t even want to scoop bits of their casing out of a bowl of delicious brownie mix. Everything about them is a turn-off.

And before you tell me that I haven’t had eggs that are cooked the right way, I can guarantee you I have tried every darn version of eggs available on this planet.

Poached eggs? Check. Scrambled? Check. Egg souffle? Check. And my thoughts are that any and all egg dishes should be burned in a fire before someone mistakes them for food.

I’ve tried to fancy them up. Just add some truffle oil, I thought. You will eat truffle oil with a spoon, so surely it can make eggs edible. Nope, nope it did not. Eggs are still gross, even with truffle oil and Parmesan cheese. Even delicious, overpriced truffle oil cannot salvage them. This is proof they are of the devil.

In short, eggs make me feel like Sam I Am. I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox. Even truffle oil cannot make them fair, so I will not eat them anywhere.

— Angelica Leicht


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