‘Never be the only nude one,’ and other journaling artifacts

While reading David Sedaris’ “Theft by Finding: Diaries 1977-2002,” last weekend (I have been floored by this book – stop reading this now and go pick up that book), I came across a collection of diary entries of sorts of my own. From 1996 to around 2014, I kept a collection of disjointed and disparate thoughts I had. Some of them are serious, most are not. Some are based on real events and conversations. The point of all this? Who knows? Probably none. You decide. Here are some of my favorites:

I used to think bow-leggedness was caused by riding horses. I’m not so sure that’s true anymore.

My favorite all-you-can-eat place requested that I call in ahead before I come so they can clear some space for an extra tub of mashed potatoes.

It’s never cool to be the only nude one.

They called it an accident. But covering the inside of my windshield with cherry pie filling before my car plunged over the side of that bridge was no accident.

We always imagine animals playing sports but never stop to think that those sports would also need animal referees.

My friend used the bathroom at my house and flushed the toilet with her foot.

I cooked a veggie sausage link with a pork sausage link today. I feel like I insulted both of them.

If you’re going to do one of those trust exercises where you fall backward off a chair, you need to let me know ahead of time.

The windows on my car are permanently rolled down and the noise from the flapping of the fallen upholstery makes it impossible to carry a conversation.

The muffin pan palm gets its name because its fronds look like little muffin pans.

The manager at my favorite all-you-can-eat place approached me and said, “There’s no way around it. We’re going to have to start charging you more.”

I showed the doctor a growth on my leg and he threw up a little.

Today, a grocery store clerk referred to me as “The Funyuns Guy.”

By the time my hair had clumped into dreadlocks I was no longer a hippie.

Hobophiliac pickup line No. 29: What else will you work for?

In anticipation of eating cheese puffs, I wore my orange polo so that I could wipe my fingers on my shirt.

There’s no right way to eat an entire tub of ice cream in one sitting.

Office rule No. 19: Because you sit by the copy machine, surely you know how to fix it when it’s broken. And also where the extra paper is kept.

I was the reason they had to start laminating menus at Mexican restaurants.

They call them cowboys, but I think “horseboy” is more accurate.

“Did we discuss if you’d make me a big diaper to wear around the house?” She paused, gave it some thought. “No.”

I had a weird dream last night: I was at my old high school, wearing clothes and passing my math class just fine.

To whom it may concern: I’m so sorry about bringing those termites over the other day. I had no idea they’d eat your house.

I found a wooden arm in a forest of metal trees. This seems important.

Ever go to bed, wake up with a sprained ankle, and not have any mud in the blankets to explain things like last time?

He said, “I wonder if anyone’s ever made a baby ride a deer.” She considered the thought, then said, “Probably.”

I shaved my beard and underneath I found the fake beard I thought had been lost all this time.

No-big-deal-breaker: When you have absolutely no idea if someone will blithely go along with your request or furiously walk away from the table.

The first person to ever wear a backpack was the Pharaoh Ramses II, who developed one to carry his tablets to school in third grade.

Since when does being told your zipper is down 17 times in 23 days mean you’re doing it on purpose?

I ate 49 hot dogs in 10 minutes for a contest. Admittedly, I got caught up in the spirit of competition, but 42 of those were eaten out of pure hunger.