Nouveau drinks for the hipster in you

by Amanda Push

Say what you will about hipsters, but we all know they’re good at two things: dressing and drinking well. We might laugh at their choice of beverage, but mostly because we’re jealous it’s not in our thirsty hands. And maybe because they are a LITTLE ridiculously pretentious, but we go along with it because we love them anyway.

In any case, let’s just admit that hipsters know their stuff when it comes to drinking any libation, not just alcoholic ones. Hipsters must also survive on coffee and tea, and, let’s be real, so do the rest of us. So let’s stop pretending that maybe, just maybe, all of us aren’t a little hipster deep, deep, deep down inside. Here’s a guide to the drinks to feed, err, water, your inner hipster.

PBRPabst Blue Ribbon should be the exact opposite of pretentiousness, and yet whenever you see a bearded, tattooed man wearing skinny jeans and a jean jacket sippin’ out of one of these cans, you instantly know you’re in the presence of a hipster. That or a redneck. This beer (do we have to call it a beer?!) is cheap for a reason. Coined by Urban Dictionary as “simultaneously the best and worst beer ever brewed,” most of the human population thinks of this hipster beverage as the hot dog of beers. And, if you don’t, just don’t come crying to us when you have the shits tomorrow.

CoffeeBlack. Organic. Must be fair trade, grown, and hand-picked in the exotic fields of Africa or South America. No sugar. No sweetener. Must be served by a cute barista and served in a recycled paper cup that has been reused no less than a dozen times. Must drink with a grim face whilst writing the next Great American Novel and/or listening to Neutral Milk Hotel as you watch the rain outside. That last part might be more emo than hipster.

Any craft beerDown with “The Man” and their beers. With the exception of PBR (cuz we GUESS it’s a beer), it’s painstakingly-made-by-the-common-man craft beer ONLY for all y’all hipsters. From Oreo IPAs to peanut butter lagers, the hipsters don’t want your evil, corporate label on it. Unless, of course, they’re low on cash and not getting paid until next Friday.

Season-flavored drinksDoes sipping on a beverage laced with season-affiliated flavors make you a hipster or basic? We’ll let you decide for yourself. From cinnamon maple to snowman marshmallow chocolate syrup lattes sprinkled with salted caramel and a cinnamon stick shoved in for extra measure, there’s no end to the Flavortown options, no matter what time of year it is. Just please, PLEASE for the love of all that is still good in this dark world STOP PUTTING PUMPKIN IN EVERYTHING.

Anything with a leaf sticking out of itIf something green is sticking out of your alcoholic beverage, sorry, but you’re a hipster. Just stop fighting it. But don’t be that sorry because it a.) means that you’re probably drinking something weird and delicious, and b.) everyone is going to ask you what you’re drinking so you’ll be the center of attention, just like you’ve always wanted.

Green teaSometimes hipsters (or people who don’t think they’re hipsters) don’t like coffee and/or are trying to be healthier. Those people are also weirdos. Like coffee, however, the tea must be plain. No cream. No sugar. Dark. Just like your soul. But preferably it will come in a package with an elephant meditating on it for good vibes.

Anything with a fruit floating in itNothing says, “I am bourgeoisie” like a fruit garden basically growing out of your alcoholic beverage. Never fear though, your drink was obviously made with the most love, since it probably took the mixologist an hour to make it for you.

Moscow MuleAny good hipster knows that it’s not just about the drink – it’s also about the vessel in which you carry that drink. So, unless someone else at the bar or party is drinking out of a handcrafted whiskey glass with a unicycle painted on it (and in that case, that person is WAAAAAAY more hipster than you, so you just need to GTFO ASAP), your pretty, copper mug is the coolest goblet in the room.

EspressoWhat’s more hipster than a hot cup of shitty black coffee, you ask? Well, dear readers, it’s sipping the most caffeine-fueled coffee drink of them all from a teeny-tiny, fancy mug: espresso. Sometimes it takes a little more of a boost to write the next best cinematic masterpiece script that you’ll never finish.

Anything with ginRegular, boring-old gin and tonics just don’t cut it anymore. These days, if you’re going to be a bourgeoisie hipster and drink gin, there’s a mandatory quota of fruit and leaves that need to be piled in there. And it’d help if the bartender would set it on fire, too.

Amanda Push


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