Bludgeoned stoners and cheesy jump scares

by Amanda Push

It’s the best time of year! And what we mean by that is it’s almost Halloween, our fav! It’s a time that also includes our second fav, which is a buncha booze and a good ol’ horror film marathon.

But we say this year it’s time to mix things up. Scary movies all follow the same type of tropes – they virtually exist only to make you smother yourself while hiding behind a pillow, laugh your ass off, or scream in frustration at the poor TV – which is great, because THAT means they’re the best for playing drinking games, like the one below.

So, toss aside your inhibitions, unscrew that bottle cap, hit the play button on that creepy ass movie, and take a shot at – and with – each tripping virgin or soon-to-be-bludgeoned stoner. Bottoms up, witches.

Drink with every jump scare.

Movie suggestions: “A Quiet Place,” “The Ring,” “Jaws,” and “Drag Me to Hell”

Jump scares do the job, though the fake ones are sorry cop-outs, so you’ll have to take TWO sips of whatever alcohol you found in the back of your cupboard for those. Just make sure you time whatever snack you’re shoving down your gullet right so you don’t choke when that creepy figure pops out of the shadows.

Drink when someone talks about, smokes, or dies for weed.

Movie suggestions: “Cabin in the Woods,” “Friday the 13th,” “Cabin Fever,” and “Halloween”

We love stoners, but in horror movies, they’re hella screwed. So, raise your glasses to the potheads who appear on screen only to give their lives in the bloodiest of ways. They just wanted to toke in peace!

Drink when someone’s fallen and they can’t get up.

Movie suggestions: “Scream,” “Halloween,” “The Evil Dead,” and “Nightmare on Elm Street”

The worst thing you can do when running from a psycho murderer is trip over nothing. Nothing makes us want to scream more than when a white girl (cause they’re ALL white girls) in a horror film trips over her feet and no longer has the ability to work her limbs to get the hell out of dodge. #RIP, clumsy girls.

Knock back a drink when someone goes into an area they shouldn’t and you KNOW they about to die.

Movie suggestions: “The Conjuring,” “The Witch,” “Paranormal Activity,” “The Blair Witch Project”

We get the rage strokes when some idiot on the screen thinks it’s a good idea to investigate a noise and goes down into the cellar, the woods, or whatever hell hole of pain and suffering awaits them. JUST. DON’T. DO. IT. Also, take a drink. They dead, y’all.

Drink when everyone splits up.

Movie suggestions: “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “The Shining,” “Scream,” and “Alien”

DON’T SPLIT UP. Alone you are bumbling idiots. Together you are a team of bumbling idiots. But y’all always split up, and we drink to that.

Take a shot when someone can’t figure out how to start a car.

Movie suggestions: “Jeepers Creepers,” “Children of the Corn,” “Cujo,” and “Leprechaun”

It wouldn’t be a horror movie if they could just turn the keys and floor it out of there. Vehicles only start when everyone is headed to the den of horrors, NOT when they’re trying to get out. It’s science. Take a shot for every failed key turn.

Chug anytime someone says or does something sexist.

Movie suggestions: “IT,” “Carrie,” “Prom Night,” “Nightmare on Elm Street,” and Rosemary’s Baby”

Horror movies are filled to the brim with sexist tropes, like the heroic virgin and the ditzy Jezebel who likes gross things like, ugh, sex. The young lady who doth protect her purity gets to see another sunrise. Screw that. Drink yo’ drink.

Pour it up anytime someone says or does something racist.

Movie suggestions: “Child’s Play,” “Poltergeist,” “Get Out,” and “Cat People”

Though there are exceptions like “Get Out,” most horror films don’t mention that anyone who isn’t white exists, and if they do, those folks are doomed or depicted in racist tropes that we don’t want to see. Drink your beer instead.

Knock one back when things get steamy.

Movie suggestions: “American Psycho,” “Friday the 13th,” “Cabin in the Woods,” and “Jennifer’s Body”

Sex sells, and it wouldn’t be a horror flick without it. Once it’s time to get it on, it’s a countdown to the bloody end. We can drink to that.

Chug when someone fits a character trope.

Movie suggestions: “Cabin in the Woods,” “Scream,” “Friday the 13th,” “Nightmare on Elm Street,” and “House of Wax”

The Jezebel. The Jock. The Brain. The Idiot. The Virgin. Characters in old horror films fall neatly into these tropes. It wasn’t until the ’90s, with Wes Craven’s “Scream,” that things were rearranged for the sake of our collective sanity.

Amanda Push


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