Strain review: Pachamama

by DGO Pufnstuf

Earlier this week, I got so high that I accidentally washed my hair with body wash. I am THAT person.

How did I do that, you ask? Well. Let me tell you. It’s a little thing called Pachamama, a strain we picked up from Pagosa Therapeutics in Pagosa Springs. And it… well, it is deadly. This strain is a sativa hybrid created by crossing Pachamama #4 and Gupta Kush. And let me tell you – the kush is strong with this one.

I did a total of 0 percent research before I smoked this one, mainly because I had family in town and didn’t really have time. So I’m surprised after looking it up this morning that Pachamama is a sativa, because if I’d had to take a guess prior to researching it this morning, I would have fought you over it being an indica. I. Was. Hella. High.

Like, for real high. After I smoked Pachamama, I had a body high, a head high, and my freaking hands were high, too. But, I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let me backtrack.

I lit this one up and only smoked about half a bowl. I’m pretty sure I knew from the first inhale that it was going to kick my ass. The smoke was harsh and kind of sage-flavored, with a really herbal, thick taste that made me choke like I was in high school. For real. Every time I took a drag, I choked. I was alone and STILL kind of horrified at my newb-ness. But no matter how weak of a hit I took, I choked. So I blame the smoke.

And, you know, other than making me feel like I was back in high school and choking on some dirt weed, this strain was really, really good. The burn from the bud was so nice and even – it might have been the nicest burn I’ve gotten in a while from any strain, anywhere. I found myself slightly mesmerized by the bright orange glow of the pipe as the entire bowl lit up. I love that.

I also love smoking a strain that kicks in as quickly as Pachamama did. I knew right away when I was high – no guesswork on this one – but I didn’t realize HOW high until I tried to function. I vastly underestimated that part of this equation.

I was sitting outside smoking under the stars because why wouldn’t you in a place like Durango, and when I stood up to go inside, it was immediately apparent that I was high as actual hell. I borderline stumbled into the house, my head on the moon and my hands…also on the moon. (I don’t know what’s up with my appendages feeling high these days. Maybe it’s a case of the olds.)

And, as soon as I walk-stumbled into the kitchen, the munchies kicked in. So, buyer beware. If you’re trying to keep a trim waistline, Pachamama is going to lure you over to the dark side. Probably with cookies. Or, at least that’s what she did to me. I had just so happened to go to the grocery store earlier that evening prior to my smoking session, so I had a lot of cookies to stem that munchie tide, but I would not smoke this strain without an adequate stash of food. I ate EVERYTHING: several cookies, a yogurt, leftovers, and one half of an egg roll that some asshole in my house had so kindly left on the counter with one bite out of it. (Housemates: Y’all need to stop that shit.)

And then I took a shower and mistook my body wash for shampoo. Or, I guess forgot that what I had on my hand was body wash and instead of slapping it on my body, slapped it into my hair instead. I didn’t care – it was hilarious to me at the time – but it was still probably not the wisest choice to shower while high on Pachamama, because I was so high that my eyes were literal slits and my body high convinced me to stay in the hot water until it ran out. (Hey, housemates: Did you try and take a shower and find no hot water? How ’bout that payback for taking one bite of my egg roll, fools.) I was really, really happy in there.

I was really happy in general, to be honest. I liked Pachamama – I wouldn’t smoke it if I had to be productive or like, do anything other than watch reruns and laze around in the steaming shower, but productivity is overrated anyway. You weirdos will probably really like it, too. Just make sure you clear your schedule for the rest of the day (I woke up still slightly stoned after a nap, so this stuff sticks around), load up on munchies, and hide the body wash from yourselves, and you should be fine.

DGO Pufnstuf


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