Vegan stoner snack attack!

by Patty Templeton

You are high AF. You wouldn’t be able to read an ingredients list for animal products if your bud depended on it. You’ve happy-galloped over to the store to get a backpack fulla quick snacks because the idea of making a real dinner is, well, beyond your squiggly, grinning capabilities. Here’s a slew of vegan snacks, ready-made, to cram into your gloriously zonked face.

Lays ChipsPotatoes are a god-food, especially when they’ve been put in chip form. Lays Classic, Barbeque, Dill Pickle, Salt and Vinegar, Limon, and Wavy Original chips are ALL vegan.

Swedish Fish You may find yourself standing at your bathroom mirror trying to watch yourself throw these chewy, red delights into your maw. This is normal.

Blue Diamond All Natural Oven Roasted AlmondsGrab a handfulla posh nuts and put ‘em in your mouth – but only the Dark Chocolate flavor. They’re cocoa delish and totally vegan.

Cap’n Crunch Peanut Butter Crunch cerealStick a leaf-licked hand into the Cap’n’s crinkley bag-hole for tasty delights.

AirheadsA game that will keep your foggy brain busy for hours: trying to pinpoint the flavor of the mystery white Airhead.

Pringles Mind you, only the Original and BBQ flavors are vegan. Also, be sure to buy two tubes so you can use them as arm gauntlets if the night goes right.

Oreos An oldie but a goodie. The original flavor is vegan, but so are – drumroll – these new weirdo flavors: Cherry Cola, Piña Colada, and Kettle Corn. But will your blasted self in full-baked magnificence eat your Oreos the same way as your sober self? Hmm . . .

Takis Get your flavor crunch going with the Nitro and Fuego flavors. Both are vegan. Limey and spicy, just like your aunt on margarita night.

TwizzlersIf you like these, you’re probably an ancient evil born in 1845, the same year that birthed this candy.

Doritos The Spicy Sweet Chili and Blaze flavors are both vegan. Quick tip: crumbled Doritos on tacos is delicious. You need this. If you can think straight, buy vegetarian refried beans, taco shells, and lettuce while you’re there . . .

Duncan Hines Whipped FrostingNo one’s judging you, bong kid. Go ahead and spoon-dip straight into the frosting cup. The Chocolate, Fluffy White, and Vanilla flavors are all vegan. They all blend well with the music of the spheres that’s schnozzling about your greenified skull.

Damn near any plain corn tortilla chip and store-bought salsaWARNING! Don’t get fancy. No, Tostitos Lime Tortilla Chips ain’t vegan, but plain Tostitos, Mission, and Santitas are. Ditto that for your buzzed salsa choice. Nothing creamy, almost nothing bean-dippy, and you’re in the clear for vegan snack heaven.

Pop-TartsUnfrosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon, Unfrosted Strawberry, and Unfrosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts are all vegan. This is what you eat when you also want to build a fort with your food. You will require many, many boxes.

— Patty Templeton


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